RHOC Recap: Two Drink Maximum

Orange County is officially back and it would be a sin if Good Tea with Sam wasn't covering this blockbuster season. It's been a while since a television show has given me the same joy as cocaine but Tamra calling Shannon an alcoholic seven times in one episode scratched the itch I needed scratching.

I understand that Katie may have felt offended by Heather's "snub" and simultaneously wanted to use it to cement her position on this show but her flop of a screenshot was not the way to do it. The freshman Housewife made it seem like her "receipt" in question was between Heather and the paparazzi, come to find out it was an Instagram message of Katie digging for information from an unnamed man. This is not exactly the evidence we were expecting, and it undermines her credibility. In the words of TikTok star Bethenny Frankel, "If you're gonna take a shot at this B, you better not miss" and if there's anyone on this cast who is the embodiment of a "B": it's Heather Dubrow.

Fancy Pants will slice up your sentence structure, regurgitate it back to you in a patronizing way and leave you confused, alone and wet at the end of it. Yes, wet because I'm sure you'd feel like a drowned rat by the time Heather Dubrow is done with you. The richest bitch in Orange County also doesn't let things go easy, especially when she doesn't need you to gain standing in this game of middle-aged Survivor. Heather will ultimately always forgive someone like Tamra due to their long history and her role at the top of the food chain but forgive a new cast member who came for her straight out of the gate? There's a higher chance of Ryan staying faithful to Jen than there is of Heather moving forward with Katie authentically. We all know what happened with Noella and for Katie's sake, I hope she doesn't reach the same fate because her confessionals are hilarious.

For the record, Heather Dubrow 100% staged those pathetic photos at Disneyland but she knows there's no paper trail to incriminate herself so she's going to take this lie to the grave. Using Terry to craft that "fame whore" alibi was so transparent my eyes rolled so far back they almost fell out my asshole.

Heather Dubrow is understandably pissed about this entire situation, however, she's misdirecting her anger towards poor Gina and in true OC fashion, this one-sided feud is about to snowball into a messy game of telephone where everyone is suddenly involved. Just like her hair, I've had my own ups and downs with Gina, however, she is my MVP this season. Put your pitchforks down for a second and hear me out, people. Gina is smart, switched on and straight to the point with everything that comes out of her mouth, you may not always agree with her but she is convicted in her truth and doesn't waver from it.

From the beginning, Gina has been insistent about Katie not starting shit with Heather. She told her not to say it on camera, Katie then did just that while Tamra and Emily had matching orgasms. The accent-confused Housewife then told Katie to tell Heather before it got back to her because the cat was already out of the bag by Katie's own doing. Gina also didn't tell Heather about this information because she didn't want to give it light, a lesson she learned when she told Fancy Pants news that ruined her $40,000 sushi party. Gina is self-reflective and eager to grow as a person, which is evident in her decision to be sober, so if she were orchestrating this situation behind the scenes she would've been more forthright with her intentions.

Listen, I myself am struggling to understand where my sudden love and appreciation for Gina K, OC realtor, has come from but in the words of every Housewife ever: I have to speak my truth. If this dynamic wasn't confusing enough, Katie is now mad at Gina for this entire situation and feels betrayed by her friend of three minutes. As Katie was relaying her feelings to Gina, the realtor made it clear that she wasn't about to jeopardise her own standing in this group to defend some chick the producers made her bring on. It's taken Gina six seasons to establish herself and she'll be damned if a potential one-season wonder ruins her relationships with the rest of the cast. You're not officially a Real Housewife until you've felt "betrayed" by the person who "brought" you into the group and realised this whole thing is just a game of chess, so Katie welcome to the franchise!

After a few episodes of playing chicken with each other, Tamra and Shannon finally came head to head in a deliciously toxic exchange that made me feel like I was back in 2014. Tamra can say she is upset about her friend talking behind her back or that she's angry with her unaccountable behaviour but in reality, she is burnt out from a decade of dealing with Shannon Storms Beador. It's no secret that Shannon has called these women blind drunk for years, crying about her life and telling them things she'll deny later and Tamra has been the biggest witness to this routine.

As Shannon's best friend for years she's had to put up with things the average person wouldn't bother with so it's no wonder she has so much pent-up aggression towards a narcissistic alcoholic who revolves every conversation around herself, doesn't ever reciprocate the friendship and dropped her as soon as she was off the show. Tamra's frustration and rage come from 10 years of Shannon's selfish behaviour and her inability to truly change her life following her DUI was the straw that broke Tamra's toned, CUT Fitness approved back.

The things Tamra said to Shannon at the dinner table were downright mean but no one can say they were untrue. Tamra Judge, Queen of Telephone, understands the assignment and knows how to make TV while also being honest with herself and her feelings. She really feels like Shannon is an alcoholic so she said that in front of three different cameras and a table full of women. Isn't that her job? My jaw was next to my feet for the entirety of this scene and that was all thanks to Tamra. The other women may have disagreed with her delivery but not one person on the cast stepped in and said Shannon wasn't an alcoholic. While Shannon played the victim and walked out for the 100th time in her Housewives career Tamra gave us exactly what we wanted to see and if that was too much for you then you're probably watching the wrong show. I hear The Great British Bake-off is having an amazing season if that's more your speed.

On the other side of the coin, I have a slither of sympathy for what Shannon's going through. Filming a television show with your ex-boyfriend's new bimbo girlfriend during an already troubling time in your life would be more difficult than holding a conversation with Teresa Giudice. On top of the Alexis factor, Shannon doesn't need to have all her drunk mistakes thrown back into her face, however, if she stopped drinking completely and took a major look inward this judgment wouldn't be coming her way. As someone who has recently stopped drinking myself, I understand how hard it can be to reevaluate your own relationship with alcohol and learn to navigate the stress of life without a drink, however, it doesn't seem like Shannon has come to terms with any of these things.

It's up to Shannon to come to her own conclusion on whether or not she's an alcoholic so labelling her as one is only going to harm her, however, on the flip side, no matter how aggressive Tamra's words were, maybe it's what Shannon needs to finally recognise this major problem in herself despite the pile of denial she's laying under. This woman crashed her car into a house and is continuing to drink months later, anyone else would take a step away from alcohol if only to prove to other people that they don't have a problem. Shannon may claim to have a "two drink maximum" and pretend she's changed by ordering sparkling water but we all know she goes home and cracks open a bottle of Belvedere while calling whoever will answer her calls past 10 pm.

It's clear Shannon hasn't reached her rock bottom yet and doesn't fully believe she has a problem with alcohol because if she did she wouldn't continue to drink but this is something she has to work through at her own pace. Shannon's drinking problem has strained her relationship with Tamra to a point they can't and shouldn't come back from. While gearing up for the new season I binged every reunion from when Shannon joined the show and in EVERY SINGLE REUNION apart from the one centred around CancerGate, her drinking was a topic of conversation. Every. Single. One. Whether they talked about her depression drinking while with David, calling everyone drunk or having blackout moments involving her children the topic was discussed constantly. Each time she maintained "it was a bad night" and she didn't have a problem. Tamra isn't pulling this issue out of thin air just for the sake of reality television, she's reacting to something that's been an ongoing topic for the last decade.

These shows are at their best when everyone is a little bit right and this is one of those situations. Tamra doesn't want to enable Shannon's behaviour, however, she does need friends right now and what better friend to have in a moment of crisis than Vicki Gunvalson? Pause for sarcasm. The OG of the OC may be a horrible human being and I don't agree with 90% of what comes out of her mouth but she was made to be on television. Seeing Vicki lecture the ladies about Christianity and the correct way to treat women was incredible. This woman doesn't realise the producers are going to insert a huge montage of her plethora of fucked up moments every time she goes on one of these rampages and that's why she's an amazing Housewife.

On one side of her mouth, she says she doesn't like "this whole fighting thing" and on the other, she'll proclaim this is HER show, which is a show that's consisted of women screaming at each other for almost the entirety of its run. Vicki Gunvalson is incredible and although I'd love to see the insurance maven holding an orange next season this new "less than a friend role" suits where she's at in her life at the moment. Although every year Vicki claims she'll only film if she's given a full-time position, she's always back without an orange. Why would Bravo buy the cow if they get the milk for free? And no, I'm not calling Vicki a cow she's been compared to enough barnyard animals for a lifetime.

Shannon alluded there's a deep dark secret about John that she won't reveal out of fear for her own safety. Obviously, this secret will be unearthed eventually but her edging us with this threat is giving me a severe case of blue balls. Whatever Johnny J allegedly did or didn't do, I'm sure his big-titted girlfriend will defend him until he leaves her for Lynne Curtin or whatever OC Housewife he shacks up with next. Since her return, Alexis has been laid back and fun in some respects, mainly on account of her divorce from her pig of an ex-husband, but in other ways, she's as ignorant and idiotic as she's always been. First of all, no one is going to start calling you Lexi, much like fetch it's not going to happen. Second, if Alexis wants to come across as her truly likeable, bubbly self then she needs to quit defending John.

Although I'm thrilled Alexis has been brought back into the mix and is contributing to the absolute shit show that is this season, she's coming across as a bird-brained sack of silicone. Alexis evidently has a problem when it comes to centring her existence around men so if she can get out of her own way, something which has always been a challenge for Jesus Jugs, I'm sure myself and viewers alike will start warming to her. In other words, I'd love to see Alexis fight with someone about a topic that doesn't involve her boyfriend. While we're on the subject of Johnny J, I know we've seen him aggressively talk shit about Gina and heard all the lore of Shannon's drunk phone calls surrounding their relationship but what else do we really know about this guy?

Any man who dates two Housewives back to back obviously has some level of thirst, however, we're five episodes deep and are yet to see him on the show, so how thirsty could he be if he's not filming? In my opinion, John isn't with Alexis for the fame or the attention, he's with her because he wants to hurt Shannon and knows by flaunting his love affair with a younger, bustier Housewife she'll spiral into another house. Whatever the fuck went down in their relationship must've been bad for it to continue to haunt them both and I can't wait for all the drunken skeletons to fall out of their closets.

The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!