Below Deck Mediterranean: Season 5 Cast Ranked!
PHOTOS: Bravo
This season of Below Deck Mediterranean will be remembered for Hannah being fired and leaving us with a group of people who have the combined personality of an ingrown pubic hair. Aside from Aesha, no one aboard The Wellington for the second half of the season was fun, entertaining or even likeable and if it wasn't for my duties to talk shit about them on this blog, I would've tapped out a long time ago. However, a shitty cast does make for the best shit talking. Check out our ranking below:
11. Pete Hunziker
Pete and his misogynistic ways are definitely the obvious last place after he was edited out of half the season for posting a racist meme to social media. This budget version of the The Situation from 2009 spent his time on camera calling Malia "sweetheart" and hitting on Bugsy in a way that made me want throw up and swallow it. Maybe it is a blessing that Pete only appeared for half the season, however, I'll always wonder about his storylines that were cut out...
10. Lara Flumiani
Does anyone remember this bitch? The only vague memory I have of Lara during her two episodes on the show is her being an extremely problematic, confrontational psycho who caused Hannah to almost beat her up in the crew mess. Lara was a raging bitch who refused to do her job and although that's not a desirable trait to have in an employee, it's definitely one to have in order to make good reality television. I wish her reign of bitchy terror could've lasted longer but I'm sure Hannah would've copped an assault charge if she stayed on the boat.
9. Tom Checketts
The budget Gordon Ramsay is an egotistical, passive aggressive cunt, but considering all chefs are fucking crazy and he's dating Malia, it's pretty understandable. Everything about Tom sucks more than a pornstar's mouth during a long day of shooting from his staged introduction to the boat to his melodramatic tantrums about frozen seafood. Tom's main frustration was his reputation being tarnished by serving subpar food, however, it was his ill-tempered pussy ass personality that he should've been more worried about. He tried to save face towards the end of the season, but he was, and still is a fuck face sausage wallet. I don't know what that means but it sounds mean and British, which is very on brand for this asshole chef.
8. Malia White
When the female bosun wasn't renting out Captain Sandy's rectum, she was either trying to assert her low level of dominance on the deck crew or rifling through Hannah's belongings. Malia is the worst and the fact that she snitched on Hannah for having valium onboard and then acted surprised when she was fired not only makes her a gross little pusswat but an unlikable narc who definitely reminded the teacher you had homework. Obviously, Malia was never taught that nobody likes a snotty tattle tale and the thought of her having sex with her boyfriend makes me want to shit in my hands and clap. Malia sweetie, fuck you.
7. Jessica More
This third stew is more lifeless than a used condom and although I respected her ability to take shots during work and keep her job even though she was terrible at it, once Jess started catching some dick she turned into a mopey shrew. I don't care about her relationship of five minutes with Rob, I don't care about her severe insecurity issues and I don't know care about her gross hand tattoo that looks like she wiped her ass with a spider web. What I do care about is my time and I hate that I wasted countless hours of my life watching this vapid idiot sulk over a guy who looks like an extra from Twilight.
6. Rob Westergaard
The only reason Rob is this high on this list is because everyone who came before him is more insufferable than a metal dildo. Everything about Rob from his mysterious, weird energy to his scary zombie voice makes my butt clench in fear and the fact that Bravo's casting director thought Rob, someone with the personality of a stale fish, would be a good choice for this show makes me lose faith in humanity. Him confessing his "love" to Jess thirty seconds after meeting her is a major fuck boy move and for that alone he shouldn't be trusted.
5. Bugsy Drake
Although I know I shouldn't like Bugsy due to her allegiance to Malia and her addiction to nautical hair clips, she's really not that bad. Apart from her being bubbly, organised and obsessed with tablescapes, there's really nothing else I have to say about the new first stew. Bugsy's only storyline was blue balling Alex for the entire season. If he was a rich guy at a club buying her free drinks, then I would understand her need to string him along, however, all she did was bore the viewers and cause Alex to excessively wank in his cabin after every interaction they had together.
4. Alex Radcliffe
Alex is a loveable, adorable teddy bear who would give the best hugs and be amazing to share a beer with, but he didn't give us much else to talk about. Aside from lusting over Bugsy for his entire run on this show, I can't think of one thing Alex did. That's the downside of being an actual decent person on reality television, they edit out all your scenes because they aren't juicy enough. Although Alex's infatuation with Bugsy was bizarre and definitely unrequited, I hope she at least gave him a handjob to make his puppy love worth it.
3. Kiko Lorran
2020 is so wild that I literally forgot Kiko existed until I looked at the list of this year's cast. Kiko, his bubbly energy and Brazilian dishes brought everyone so much joy during his short time on the show but unfortunately he was a casualty in Sandy and Malia's plan to bring Tom onto the boat. Kiko literally cooked one bad dish and suddenly Sandy was ready to send him back to Brazil, he was robbed and he deserved better. Justice for Kiko!
2. Hannah Ferrier
After five seasons on the show full fights with Sandy, hookups with guests and a tonne of passive aggressive bitchy quips, Hannah was fired for having unregistered valium onboard the boat. Really, Sandy, really? Although Hannah's firing was gross, wrong and highly fucked up, it was definitely the Australian first stew's time to go. This season Hannah couldn't find a fuck to give about her job and moped around the boat waiting to get knocked up so she could hang up her skort once and for all. Without Hannah this show has a huge void, however, she'd definitely rather be changing diapers instead of fighting with cunty chefs over portion sizes.
1. Aesha Scott
Aesha only came aboard the boat after Hannah was fired, however, this returning New Zealand queen was the only reason I made it through the second half of the season. Aesha provided the comic relief we all needed whether it was talking about sex, asking the crew invasive questions or entertaining the guests, Aesha gave The Wellington a breath of perky, energetic, horny fresh air and saved the show from becoming even more boring than it already was. Aesha is a queen and if you don't like it you can choke on a queef. Enough said.
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
Below Deck Mediterranean airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!
