Below Deck Med Recap: Britney Dirty

PHOTO: Bravo

Every week I feel like I write the same recap of this show. It's always about how Jess is annoying and insecure and why Tom and Malia's relationship makes my prostate hurt. I can't wait for this clusterfuck of a show to end and I can finally have my Monday nights back until of course, the OG Below Deck starts back up again...

We began this episode with the Budget Gordon Ramsay having yet another breakdown over the provisions. Chefs are always fucking crazy but Tom's incessant need to bitch and complain about every minor inconvenience can't possibly be worth the food he is making. This time he was mad that the fish was frozen instead of being fresh. Uh, isn't it in his job description as a chef on a yacht to deal with stressful situations and improvise with whatever he has available?

Tom's biggest complaint is that his "reputation is at stake" if his food isn't good, but wouldn't his constant hissy fits on international television be worse for his reputation? Anyone with two working brain cells can see that Tom is an egotistical, spoiled little bitch, so he should worry more about that and less about having to cook frozen halibut. The benefit of cooking food for rich people on a boat is that they're drunk 90% of the time, so they shouldn't even be able to articulate a sentence let alone tell the difference between frozen and fresh seafood.

I am so sick of talking about Tom. Even when Bugsy tried to be supportive and ask if he was okay, Malia's whiny little bitch of a boyfriend made a face like he had shit under his nose and gave her a smart ass reply, in fact, he does that whenever anyone on the boat tries to lend their support to him. His sarcastic, passive-aggressive personality literally gives me a headache and I can't wait until three weeks' time when I can completely wipe his miserable existence from my memory. Sandy tried to step in and diffuse the situation but instead of getting on with his job, Tom continued his tantrum because he had too much pride to answer his captain's question.

The Budget Gordon Ramsay said he was only delivered frozen fish and when Sandy wanted him to clarify that with a yes or no answer he couldn't do it because his pride got in the way. Along with being a bad-tempered asshat, Tom is also a control freak who doesn't want to play by anyone else's rules, so he'd rather give his captain a smart ass answer instead of just cowering for three seconds and giving some kind of authority to Sandy. These shows are filled with power struggles and they're always more sad and pathetic than Malia's personality.

Does Sandy seem off to anyone this season? I don't know what it is but instead of being the upbeat, energetic captain we all know and love, Sandy has been more manic than a heroin addict. She's spacey, then she's happy, then's she's angry, then she's tearful and then she's giving an inspirational pep talk that no one asked for. I've always wanted to nestle into Sandy's chest while she feeds me warm milk (from a bottle, get your minds out of the gutter) and reads me a bedtime story but there's something off with the captain this season. Tom continued to have several more bitch fits for the duration of the episode but I really couldn't find a quarter of a fuck to give about his anger management issues.

Along with his short temper, Tom also ran to Malia every time there was any kind of inconvenience. Whenever this couple interacts I can feel a tiny bit of vomit creep up the back of my throat and while that may be the result of the drunken bender I went on this weekend, I choose to believe that it's these two who are causing me to taste throw up while watching this show. Malia needs to stay out of the galley and do her job, and Tom needs to grow some fucking balls and stop tattling to his girlfriend every single time he can't find a butter knife. Also, the drunk guests loved his food anyway, so all his bitching and complaining was for nothing.

When she wasn't pandering to her little bitch of a boyfriend, Malia decided to promote Alex to the lead deckhand. Now, I'm not really sure why there wasn't a lead deckhand on the boat already, but I guess she wanted to boost his ego for the last charter of the season. Seeing the deck team have a meeting made me realize that they could produce their own nautical version of The Wizard of Oz. Pete could be the scarecrow because he needs a brain, Rob is the tinman because he doesn't have a heart and Alex is definitely the lion, not because he needs some courage but because he's warm and cuddly. I guess that would make Malia Dorothy but we all know she's the witch who gets squashed by a house.

The only thing to happen during this episode was Jess continuing to be jealous of Rob and his relationship with anyone else who has a vagina. Jess is literally the most insecure bitch I have ever had the displeasure of watching on television and if she's this crazy about other women talking to her boyfriend of five minutes this soon into their "relationship" then they are never, ever going to last. Aesha jokes around with everyone and Jess's one-sided feud with her for "touching Rob's butt" is not only pathetic but laughable. Whether Rob was helping a guest with a jellyfish sting or talking to Aesha about sex, Jess spent her time moping about the boat threatening violence to the innocent women who spoke to her boyfriend.

Jess looks like an idiot and her insecurity is more tacky and annoying than her hand tattoo. Seriously, it looks like there's a black spider web on her hands at all times. She should really just count herself lucky that Rob didn't pee on the girl with the jellyfish sting. Rob does have a flirty personality, even though he sounds like a disabled zombie, so Jess either needs to pull him up on it, break up with him or just learn how to deal with it. She can't go around threatening to beat up Aesha for grazing Rob's backside in a photo when her real problem is with her own insecurity. Jess is more lifeless than the inflatable slide and I physically can't handle her negative energy any longer.

This week, the guests were a literal boatload of young, bitchy mothers who spent the entire charter talking shit about each other, so obviously they were using this trip as their own audition for the Real Housewives of whatever city they're from. I really didn't pay any attention to their antics, however, one guest asked Bugsy to make her a dirty martini "Britney dirty" rather than "Christina dirty" and I've ever related more to anything in my life. Britney Jean Spears is my queen and whatever chance I get to talk about her, I will take it. Britney Dirty isn't just a martini preference, it's a way of life, and thank god to this nameless charter guest for giving me the one enjoyable moment of the entire episode.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!