Below Deck Reunion Recap: Thank Ü, Next

Thank fuck this season of Below Deck is finally over because I physically cannot talk about it any longer. I'm over the blatant toxic masculinity, the lack of accountability and just the fucking drama of it all. After watching this disaster of a reunion I cannot stomach another minute of the egotistical asswipes, otherwise known as, the brüs.

After this reunion Ashton either needs to head back to the sweaty, Chippendales club he crawled out of or start a career in politics because he was answering these questions like a politician who was accused of fucking his 23-year-old assistant. Like many disgraced Bravolebrities who have come before him, Ashton apologized for his actions and went on a massive tangent, revealing seeing his actions on the show made him stop drinking and start therapy. Cool? I could've told him to do both those things before the season even started.

I'm all for someone choosing to work on themselves, but I really don't give a fuck about this former stripper turning over a new leaf, just in time for the reunion taping. Even though he said sorry for kissing Kate twice and punching the window of a moving vehicle, while trying to force some tears out, Ashton still tried to deflect his behavior onto Kate. Yes, the chief stew threw clothes on the floor and stirred up some internal boat gossip, however, we're talking about what Ashton did. Plus, his apology didn't mean jackshit considering he doubled down on his shitty ways on the After Show and admitted to not even remembering what happened. How can you be sorry for something you don't even remember doing?

For this entire reunion, Andy and his bandaid were on Team Penis. After watching the show and seeing the fans outrage towards the brüs on social media, how did Andrew Cohen come to the conclusion that siding with the men would be a good decision? During the two hour reunion, Andy pressed Kate and Captain Lee for answers harder than an annoying little kid presses an elevator button, while just letting the men get away with their quasi apologizes. Yeah, Ashton's eyes got watery, but there's as much chance of Kate's lips being real, as there is of actual tears coming out of those sockets.

I don't know if you've caught my drift by now but I don't give a single fuck about this reunion. No justice was truly served and we're in the same spot we were during the entire season, with the men giving shitty apologizes for their behavior while the women are left being portrayed as annoying troublemakers, even though they're just trying to hold these douchebags accountable for the hell they raised on Valor. Cool, Ashton's in therapy, good for him, I don't care. Abbi and Simone defended the boys saying they never felt disrespected by them but that's because they were sexual objects to them and didn't challenge them in any way. I don't think any of these men, aside from Kevin the Kunt, actually hate women, they just don't respect them.

Every time these idiots hear a woman raise her voice, they either switch off or start laughing. All of them have never taken Kate, or especially Rhylee seriously and that's mainly due to Ashton poisoning his brüs against her from the second she got on the boat. Yeah, it's all fine and dandy to apologize for being an asshole, it's so easy to say "I'm sorry" but it doesn't change how they behaved. All season the men have seen the girls as "bitches just wanting to stir up drama" when in actuality they just want to be treated with a little respect. I'm over the boys club mentality and we could talk about this bullshit until I turn into a smurf, but I just cannot be fucked.

Captain Lee tried to scold the boys, but it was just a waste of breath because it wasn't going in one ear and out the other, it just wasn't even going in. Andy asked Lee if he's ever had a problem with anything Kate has ever done, but that's not a fair question because she's on a different playing field than everyone else. She's worked for him for six years and they're great friends off the show, so of course, he's going to cut her a little slack and understand her decision making more than he would a 25-year-old fuckboy who was drunk the entire time. Yes, he definitely should've called her out on some of her shit, but Kate throwing clothes on the floor and Kevin kicking sand in her face is like comparing apples and dog balls.

Although the men did say sorry for the actions, I still felt like this entire reunion was still making the women seem like they were overreacting, which they weren't. Ashton treated Rhylee unfairly, however, her aggressive attitude only make the situation worse. If she sat around like a mouse crying about his behavior, then it would've been undisputable that Ashton was the asshole, however, Rhylee's Alaskan trucker mouth made her just as easy to blame for their feud. Captain Lee ended up taking a break after Ashton tried to justify his "did you hit her with your dick comment" by seeing a therapist, but ended up coming back minutes later.

I fucking hate walk-offs. All they do is delay the entire process and we know they're going to come back to the stage anyway, so walking off a reunion is just a bigger waste of time than trying to explain the alphabet to Teresa Giudice. One of the only notable things Kevin the Kunt did was ask Captain Lee why he wasn't aware of any of the drama happening amongst the crew. Uh, maybe because it's none of his business? The girls didn't want to be seen tattling to him, especially after the flack Kate's gotten from them about having "preferential treatment" so if you think he should've known what was happening, why didn't you tell him yourself, Kev?

This entire reunion was just underwhelming. Ashton's answers were obviously rehearsed with whatever publicist his sugar mama hired for him, Kevin was still a gross, egotistical asswipe, Kate continued to be an articulate font queen, there wasn't nearly enough Rhylee footage, I'm not sure why Simone and Abbi were even there, Courtney was a feminist queen the entire time, Brian still didn't understand why his behavior wasn't good and Tanner didn't say a word for the whole hour. Thank fuck.

If I had to describe my emotions towards this hour of television it would be: THANK Ü, NEXT. After this emotionally exhausting season, thank fucking god this is behind us and we can look forward to the next boatload of horny yachties who are coming our way next season, and hopefully, none of them involve any of the current crew members with penises.

Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!