RHOC Recap: Retired Titties
One of the best things about the Housewives is watching these women come up with the most ridiculous excuses to have a party and Braunwyn's weaning party probably takes the double D sized cake. We've never seen a Housewife celebrate the retirement of her uterus, so this was officially a first for the franchise. Hey, at least it's not another white party.
To celebrate the end of her breastfeeding years, Brown Wind decided to throw a party with strippers, shirtless bartenders and a fuck tonne of booze, which is probably the best way to say goodbye to 20 years of having a child suck on your boob. I may be in the minority, but I love Braunwyn because she drinks like a fish while running around like she swallowed an entire bottle of Adderall. Does anybody have more energy than OC's newest Housewife? I don't think so. Braunwyn hosted the party in her sex dungeon in the sky, and it was like watching a geriatric girl's gone wild special. This party was Braunwyn's form of heaven: tequila, titties and a female stripper giving her a lap dance.
As soon as Vicki Gunvalson saw the law enforcement strippers rock up, she ran out the door faster than you can say WOO HOO. I miss the old OG of the OC who would dance on tables, give blowjob tutorials with a lollipop and flash her boobs at a dinner table, but that Vicki died as soon as Steve Lodge and his boring personality burst into the picture. Vicki hating Braunwyn for running around like a drunk baby prostitute is hilarious considering this is a woman who built her Housewives career off of whooping it up at Andales. Shannon was terrified of the gyrating stripper ass in her face while Emily was living it up and straddling the pint-sized police impersonator. I've never seen Emily happier than when she was bouncing on that man's crotch and she needs a man who will lay her out like a bedspread. Can you picture her doing that with her little bitch of a husband? I rest my case. Emily Simpson needs a divorce more than Kim Richards needs a twelve-step program.
While titties and tequila were flying through the air, Braunwyn thought it would be the perfect time to invite the girls on a trip to Miami and Key West. Really Bravo? Really? The Beverly Hills cast is the most boring franchise on the network and they always get to have first-class trips all over Europe, while the OC women are stuck going to Florida? What the fuck? As disrespectful and unfair as this Florida choice is, it probably has something to do with the fact that the Amanda Bynes doppelganger doesn't have a passport. Normally the producers think of some dumb, elaborate reason for these trips, let's not forget the ladies traveling to Ireland to find Meghan King Edmonds' long lost relatives, however, Braunwyn taking the girls back to her home town is a little more plausible. Good for them. At the end of the day, I don't give a fuck where these women go as long as there's alcohol and tropical weather, we know it's going to be a hot mess.
However, Shannon didn't want to travel to Key West because that was where her asshole of an ex-husband began his affair, and that archival footage of Shannon talking to David on the phone the night after he had been inside another woman was wild. I had more goosebumps than someone skinny dipping in the snow. I totally understand the plate thrower deciding not to travel there because it's going to bring up a tonne of bad memories, especially days after finalizing her divorce, but I have a sneaky suspicion the producers will drag her ass there for dramatic effect. Can you imagine officially divorcing your rodent of an ex-husband after he cheated on you, and spent years destroying your self-esteem, only to travel to the place where he was screwing someone else? That is more fucked up than Vicki Gunvalson's latest face.
In other Shannon Storms Beador news, she had to attend a deposition for her divorce trial, where David and his beady eyes were laughing at her when she was on the stand. David Beador is one of the most disgusting, abusive and narcissistic husbands we have ever met, and he makes Shane Simpson look like Mother Theresa. Obviously, the little bitch still sucks, but let's not forget David's reign of terror on this show. Apparently, Shannon could walk away from her divorce with nothing, and while she's still getting a Bravo paycheck and hawking frozen fish on QVC, it's about the principle. She helped this man build his business and raised their children while he was off fucking anything that could move, so she deserves anything she can get her hands on. Shannon doesn't want rely on her ex-husband for financial support, but she deserves it just as David deserves a castration. Yes, Shannon can be an asshole sometimes, mainly towards Emily, however, we've been with her on this journey for a long time and she needs justice against the weasel she spent 17 years of her life with.
Aside from Braunwyn's retirement party for her uterus and Shannon's divorce drama, the only other thing going on was Kelly Dodd's ongoing war with Tamra Judge. Let's just keep in mind, it's been three episodes since their war of words kicked off and they're still to actually come face to face. Kelly tried to turn the entire group against Tamra after she discovered she initially revealed the train rumor, then a "fan video" surfaced of Tamra saying she pushed her mother down the stairs. This game of telephone has evolved from petty gossip amongst the group to the rumors being spread through an actual telephone. How much more dramatic can this game get? In actuality, Tamra was defending Kelly and brought up how she was the only one not bashing her at the tea party, however, thanks to "the fan" who edited the video and posted it on social media, Kelly only saw her say she threw her mother down the stairs.
Of course, the resident Cunt Caller went ballistic on Instagram and even contacted Jim Bellino to become a character witness in his lawsuit against two-thirds of the Tres Amigas. This is when you know things have gone too far. Spreading rumors or calling someone a bitch is one thing, but contacting a pig like Jim Bellino to legally come after Tamra is another. Say whatever you want about Tamra and Shannon but their "comments" about Jim were just a fucking joke and him continuing to drag them through the legal system is just drawing more attention to their comments that everyone forgot about. Jim is an egotistical pig and Kelly jumping on board the hate train (no pun intended) to fuck with Tamra and Shannon's bank accounts is next level evil. But in good news, it got my GOOD TEA HEADLINE splashed across the screen, so I'm somewhat grateful for Kelly's big mouth.
I like both of the women involved in this situation, but Kelly has no creditability anymore. She can't be mad at Shannon bringing up her bar fight, and then bring up their lawsuit with Jim, because then she's just as bad. How does she have any right to be pissed at them when she did the exact same thing? Kelly Dodd is her own worst enemy because instead of being smart enough to back away and let the Tres Amigas look like assholes, she comes back at them twice as hard and then has no leg to stand on. Obviously, Kelly has the sense of humor of a 13-year-old boy, but she's acting like a four-year old by telling all the ladies things Tamra said about them to try and turn everyone against the CUT Fitness owner. She's not telling them these things to be a good friend, she's saying them to be an asshole.
Also, Kelly randomly telling Shannon that Tamra called her a drunk and then refusing to show her the receipts is a blatant Vicki Gunvalson move, and if she's not willing to print out some screenshots and carrying them around in a manila folder, then she's full of shit. What was Kelly doing when Tamra was talking shit about all her cast members? Silently nodding her head? No, she was an active participant and that's why it's hard to support either side. Everyone on this show talks shit about each other and brings out revelations, but then get pissed when someone does it to them. Tamra was defending Kelly in the moment, saying she wasn't the one who brought up the stairs rumor, so Kelly doesn't even know what she's talking about. And if she let Shannon say two words during their brunch, then maybe she'd realize she's mad at Tamra for no fucking reason.
Right now Tamra and Kelly are both in survival mode and are busy campaigning to get the other ladies on their side. It's like a fucking election. The Cunt Caller is trying to turn everyone against Tamra by repeating anything she's ever heard the Housewife say from thinking her cast members are drunk to not liking their outfits, and the CUT Fitness owner is denying any wrongdoing and using Kelly's affiliation with Jim Bellino to make everyone see that she's evil. That's the long and short of it. After three weeks of these women campaigning over Bravo paid meals to get as many cast members on their side as they can, they're finally going to come face to face in Florida and I can't wait. These bitches are all in the wrong and instead of choosing a side, let's just sit the fuck back and watch this trashy mess take place.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!
