Below Deck Recap: Thai Vodka

This season is a little bit of a slow burn, but this crew has amazing hot mess potential and we only need two more episodes until we see them shine like the drunk, chain-smoking wannabe reality stars they are. I know I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, I love watching a show about people with careers, because yachting is their career but they just happen to be filmed doing it, which was literally the original premise of reality television before it was overrun by thirsty 20 somethings looking for a come up.

To catch you up to speed, Chef Kevin spent the majority of the episode shitting his intestines out and made sounds I never want to hear again. Kevin’s violent diarrhea sounded like an S&M orgy but in the worst way possible. We get it, you’re on a boat but at least try to take control of your fucking bowels, it’s just gross and nobody wants to be the guy stinking up the already humid boat with his smelly, watery feces. I can empathize but it’s also fucking disgusting, especially when the producers pan over to brown liquids in the kitchen as the chef is having several brown liquids spray out of him. In case you also didn’t realize, Kevin sucks.

The only reason I even remember this boring cast member’s name is because his annoying, pretentious presence is constantly forced into our faces. You know what, instead of Chef Kevin, let’s call him Chef Cunt. Is that a bit harsh? Obviously. Do I give a fuck? No. I’m writing this thing off 3 hours of sleep and an aggressive headache, so I don’t have any time for Kevin trying to assert his power on the boat. You were hired to cook, so suck in your shit, fry some fish and call it a fucking day.

The new chef decided to make an enemy out of Kate by saying the crew’s service has a few “kinks” in it during their tip meeting. If Kevin has a problem with service, then he should talk to the chief stew who is in charge of service, not taddle to Captain Lee and brown nose in front of the entire crew because it’s gross, disgusting and just weird. Why would anyone go out of their way to be the nark on the boat? That is not a personality anybody wants to be around. There wasn’t even a problem with the service. At all. Kevin just got annoyed at some minor misunderstandings in the galley and decided to assert whatever small power he has over the interior staff.

He didn’t give anyone any new information and just used his meeting about service with the stews to piss all over the kitchen and mark his territory. Chef Cunt is just a boring square that I have no time for. Obviously, we need different personalities to make reality TV work but if you’re a pretentious, condescending prick who takes themselves way too seriously, then I’d rather drive an ice pick into my eye than spend 83 seconds in your presence. It’s just a fact. Worry about your Prince William bald spot and not Kate Chastain’s job description.

All the guys are trying to fuck Courtney who is the hot, blonde stew who hates literally everything in the world. The only thing Courtney likes is drinking champagne on a yacht, which is literally the complete opposite of what she’s doing. She hates working but loves money which honestly may be my next tattoo, sure some may call her an entitled millennial, but she’s just speaking facts. Nobody likes to work, especially not in humid Thai heat while watching people be on the vacation you’re supposed to be on. I related to Courtney on another level until she said she hates night clubs. Sure, not everyone wants to get drunk, make out with strangers and slut drop, but if you’re literally getting free drinks and being paid to party on TV, then just down a few shots and you won’t even have to think about how much you hate it.

If you hated being somewhere, wouldn’t you just get drunk to pass the time and imagine being anywhere else? I don’t know maybe that’s just the alcoholic in me talking, but in life, you have two choices, you can either make the most of the situation or sulk in the corner. Yes, the guys were all aggressively trying to get into Courtney’s pants but she could’ve at least tried to flirt back instead of completely ignoring their entire existence by acting like a sour puss. I don’t know anyone that would be at a nightclub in Thailand, having all their drinks paid for, who would be sitting there as if they were being held hostage by some rebel group in West Africa. Smile, do something, it’s really not that hard. Apart from Courtney’s inability to feel joy, I can still respect her aversion to hard work because, same.

What else happened in this episode? After a night of partying, the deck crew decided to all sleep on the sun deck together and it looked like a massive yachtie orgy, just without any actual sex. Ashton and Abbi were the last ones standing and even though they were grinding on each other the night before, they woke up drier than the Sahara desert, and mainly due to the humid Thai weather. I definitely think Ashton will end up inside Rhylee 2.0’s vagina at some point whether it’s his finger, tongue or penis. Also, Abbi shared she’s in an open relationship with her Greek boyfriend she’s in love with. Each to their own, I’m not judging anything that happens in their relationship but this is the most stereotypical yachtie thing ever. What person who works on a boat and travels for a living isn’t in an open relationship? It’s all fun and games until you start developing feelings for the person you’re fucking on a boat in Thailand and then have to go back and see your boyfriend in Greece. I can’t wait for the first actual hook up of the season and Ashton sticking his tongue down a random’s throat in the club doesn’t count.

There literally must have been something in that Thai vodka (or that Thai ecstasy) and whatever it was, I want it. Even though Kate was a hungover wreck the next day relying on coffee and hope to get her through the day, the crew’s night out looked fucking thrilling and getting drunk off weird Thai vodka and the local amphetamines in a beach club is literally a life goal of mine. You haven’t lived until you’re blacked out on a beach, only to be awoken by the humid weather and an uncomfortable amount of sand in your asshole.

What else can we talk about? Chef Cunt sucks, Courtney hates the world and everyone got wasted at the club. Oh, Abbi lost her radio and Captain Lee acted as if pirates were found clinging to the boat. Yeah, not having a radio is bad but just give the thing back and call it a day. As redundant as the radio conversation was, Captain Lee, is like the parent you never want to disappoint and letting them down hurts more than anything he could ever say to you.

The main part of the entire episode was the charter guest proposing to his girlfriend and I couldn’t have given less of a fuck, and neither could Kate who started clearing their table in the middle of it. We don’t know these people, we don’t know their journey. Why the fuck am I supposed to care? I’ve felt more joy from seeing a dog rip apart a chicken carcass then I did from seeing these two get engaged. First of all, she’s being filmed on a yacht in Thailand that her boyfriend chartered, there’s no fucking way she’s turning down that ring. Who would want to give up an annual all-expenses-paid vacation? A true lady will always say yes in the moment and call it off later because it’s the polite thing to do and it gives you a juicy story to tell at dinner parties. This couple are literally two of the most boring people I’ve ever laid my eyes on and them FaceTiming their equally boring, plain dog after their engagement is evidence of just that. We all know they’re going to be married for three years before that girl escapes with a couple million thanks to a steady prenup, and that’s a happy enough ending for me.

To end the episode, we were introduced to a new round of charter guests who were on the show last season, I have no idea what these people’s actual names are but let’s just call them Tony Soprano and Morticia Addams. She has dark long hair and he has an unspecified job but manages to charter a yacht every year. If you can’t reveal your occupation on national TV and you have a bald spot, you’re in the mob. It’s not an assumption, it’s a rule. As they boarded the boat, their drunk weird friend took all the attention away from them. Their “friend” Brandy was aggressively drunk as she was boarding the boat and spent her time hyperventilating. Has she never consumed alcohol? What is the issue? I would like to know because seeing a drunk person struggling to consume air is more confronting than an unsolicited dick pic.

Below Deck airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!