RHOP Finale Recap: Pre Ejaculation

Although I don't care for most of the cast, mainly Green-Eyed Bandit #1 and Little Miss Forehead, this has been Potomac's breakout season, so I have to give credit where credit is due and thank the women of Potomac (and the greater Maryland area) for delivering more than 15-year-old acne-prone Dominos employee.

As amazing as this season was, the finale episode was lukewarm but also wrapped up everybody's journeys in a dysfunctional, poorly tied bow. No one on this show has a fashion sense that didn't expire in 2008 and Robyn is the main example of this, however, seeing these ladies attempt to give us LEWKS and looking like geriatric Bratz dolls is a cornerstone of the series and I don't want to see ANY of these women upgrading their closets for season five.

The thought of being exhausted and nine months pregnant while being asked messy questions for 12 hours straight to film those confessionals makes me want to take a Xanax and enter a deep sleep until the thought leaves my mind, so I have major respect for Monique to be able to hustle through and still look cute doing so. Monique Samuels is literally a hero.

While Monique struggled through her last few weeks of carrying another human being inside her, Robyn decided to get matching tattoos with Juan. Yes, you read that right. Was this the best idea in the world? Fuck no. But the more important question is: was it good TV? And the answer is abso-fucking-loutely. Having two tiny love hearts is cute in theory but it's not going to stop Juan from putting his dick (that Michael wants to suck) into any THOT who walks by, However, Robyn should trust her man enough not to cheat on her whether or not he has a commitment stamped onto his ring finger and I really think she does. Robyn and Juan's relationship works for Robyn and Juan and at this point in the game, every woman in a twelve-mile radius knows he's on a Bravo reality show, so the possibility for Juan to cheat and get away with it, is about the same amount of probability that Michael didn't grope the cameraman's booty. Not very high.

I entered this season not being a Robyn fan due to her hardcore Eeeyore Energy but I like seeing her happy, which is definitely the result of getting regular dick. At this point, I would even be down for a Robyn and Juan wedding. Obviously, not it's own three part special, but a small ceremony on a sleepy episode of the show would do the trick. Prediction: Robyn will end up caving and give Juan a baby girl which will probably turn out to be a little baby boy and ruin the fantasy. Can you imagine having two elementary school-age children and then going back to the start and raising an infant? Fuck. That. No amount of Valium could ever heal that pain.

Candiace finally decided to start paying for her own mortgage and I'm happy for the butter knife waving Housewife. As amazing as financial stability feels for the pageant queen, you could see the life fall out of Miss Dorothy's face when she heard the news. Dorothy hearing that her daughter is paying for her own life would be like Cruella De Vil having PETA raid her house. Without money, Candiace's mother has nothing to control her with and loses her upper hand in their weird mother-daughter clusterfuck of a mind game. Dorothy asserts her power through money and no longer having that ability means the game is officially over. he has nothing else to threaten Candiace with which is quite possibly the worst way to lose the game.

These two are like a toxic, twisted version of Gilmore Girls without the fun times and mother-daughter bonding moments, but seeing Candiace break the fourth wall and utter "you caught that?" to the cameraman after her mom called her a little bitch was A-grade Housewiffery and that in itself proves Candiace has more than earned her keep on the show.

Over in Shrek's swamp, Gizelle started renovating her dilapidated new home and she is running out of coins faster than a chain-smoker runs out of cigarettes. Buying property and renovating it while paying the mortgage on both that and you're current home is probably the hardest thing you can do and sounds just as fun as a root canal. If Gizelle's coins are already this low at the start of the build then she's definitely on her way to becoming the next Chateau Sheree because she has a long road ahead of her and if I wanted to watch someone renovate a house for an entire season, I'd turn on HGTV.

Ashley found out she was pregnant after telling her husband she masturbated a few days prior and I've never felt more uncomfortable. Seeing this woman talk about fingering herself to her penis addicted husband was tough to watch and made me want to move to Antartica just to forget it ever happened. Every single interaction these two have is more fake and contrived than a bad Lifetime movie so seeing them in the doctor's office getting an ultrasound of their demon baby made me feel violated. We don't need to be in the room with them and we don't need to see that. Ever. And we also don't need the image of these two having sex either because that would be horrifying in a weird S and M way. All I'm saying is that Ashley definitely ties him up and whips him with a riding crop until his didgeridoo sprinkles baby kangaroos everywhere.

Also, now Little Miss Forehead is saying the baby is a miracle after their "tiring" year of marriage? So now it's tiring? Because I thought they've never been better? Which one is it?! Ashley lies through her teeth and until she admits her husband is a cheating, sex offending, rapey old man then I have no time to watch her spewing out shit through the TV. As much as I loathe every frame I have to see of this couple, watching Ashley pee on a stick to reveal her pregnancy to her cracked out mama after her sticker idea spilled all over chest was pure comedy. I'll give them that.

Everybody gives Candiace shit for her mother but has anyone seen Mama Methhead? Why is nobody talking about Shelia's spoon burning ways? Ashley's mom makes me feel unsettled at any and all times but hearing her belly laugh through a smoker's throat is riveting TV. Speaking of, can someone make a petition for Ashley to burn that Mama Methhead inspired wig because it is trying sitting through a scene with that thing on her head. I'm only going say this once so hear me well, enough with the fucking yoga. I've seen bitches across every franchise spread into downward dog more times than I've seen vaginal rejuvenation on these shows and that's really saying something.

Finally, we ended with Karen's La Dame event which has been two years in the fucking making. There's definitely only four bottles of that fragrance in existence but that's okay. You do you, Karen. I'm glad the Grand Dame has pulled her hairline forward and proven all these ladies wrong about her business. Did she reveal where she was selling the product? Of course not, but she got a pop-up store at Bloomingdales and that's a huge deal. Of course, Gizelle felt the need to shade perfume saying it's for grandmas which is so counterproductive at this point. So Gizelle wants to be best friends with Karen again and after hounding for an entire season about her business, she still decides to shade her hard work when the product is finally presented to her. Gizelle is miserable and if she was so happy in her own life, she wouldn't constantly be shitting on her friend's succeeding. And that's the tea.

As proud as I am of Karen, why the FUCK is Matt still around? Why Karen? Why? I’m sure he’s a lovely guy but Matt is thirstier than a camel in the desert. Do camels get thirsty? Who the fuck knows. But what I do know is that Karen needs a new “assistant.” Matt lingers around like a bad smell and always finds his way into every frame but to some degree, we have to respect this man's hustle to make a job out of being a professional gay accessory to a Housewife.

At the event, Katie showed up with a shiny new wig and a case of amnesia because she was totally oblivious to her errupt departure from the Cayman Islands. I don't think Katie is scared of talking about it, I genuinely believe she doesn't find her Gone Girl moment weird at all, which is why we all have stan this woman. No other Housewife has ever had a disappearance in another country and she deserves some kind of reward from giving us a Housewives first. Ashley also pretended as if she didn't want to tell the group she was pregnant but she was showcasing the fact she was drinking water as if nobody had ever done it before. Ashley is a worse liar than she is a friend and I really don't give one-quarter of a fuck about this woman pretending to be on a detox when she wants everybody in the room to know she's with child.

The way the editors put together the final "where are they now" cards was perfection and actually gave us real-time updates about what the ladies are up to, and not just some shitty joke about nothing written by a shady producer. Each cast member had a life-changing thing happen to them since the show wrapped. Karen bought a home in Potomac, Robyn sold her investment property, Candiace only communicates with her mother through her husband, Gizelle moved into Chateau She Can't Pay and Monique and Ashley both had their babies. These bitches don't stop working and the flashing forwards of months made you realize this cast keeps living their lives when the cameras aren't around, unlike many of their sister cities.

The Real Housewives of Potomac airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these Maryland ladies.