Below Deck Med Recap: Alcohol Now

The producers didn't waste ANY time getting us right into the action, which was evident after seeing Travis being dragged onto the boat by Ben and Jack after a wild night of drinking. Yes, every single cast member was demolished and could barely spit out a sentence but I'm still not sure if Travis was even conscious and I respect that. This guy doesn't do anything half-assed, well his job he might, but when it comes to drinking he could consume an entire brewery and still keep going.

I have been in some messy states after a night of drinking but I've never been carried to my bedroom while blacked out. Okay, well maybe once but I'm 90% sure my drink was spiked. What I'm trying to say is if I was on this show, I would definitely be the Travis of the group and I'm not sure if it's an Australian thing or just an alcohol thing. Ben and Jack deserve a medal for lifting Travis across the little walkway to get him onto the boat, then through the narrow galley, somehow carrying him down the crew stairs and pushing his body onto the top bunk. Who the fuck gave Travis the top bunk? Why would that ever be a good idea? Honestly, waking up the next morning and not remember how you got home is one of the best and worst feelings ever.

Travis admittedly uses alcohol to escape because he hates his job being away from his family and friends, so he gets wasted out of his mind to forget about all the shit he's going through and who can blame him? Do I think Travis is an alcoholic? Probably not, but he's definitely using beer and vodka red bulls to heal his pain. Following him being carried home, the next morning, Captain Sandy smelt alcohol on his breath, however, I 100% believe Travis wasn't drinking on charter and it was just alcohol residue leftover from the night before. Have you ever gotten so drunk your body starts to smell like a brewery? Because I think that's what was happening to Travis rather than him skulling a beer before starting his day.

It really did feel like this entire episode was about Travis which was evident when Anastasia was yelling at him over the radio to take out the fucking garbage, as he was actually helping JWOWW fix the tender after the rope was stuck in the motor. What's more important? Garbage or doing what's actually in his job description? Sandy ended up making Travis take out the trash and after he clapped back with a comment full of attitude, Sandy ripped him a new asshole full of swear words. Can you imagine being literally any other crew member and hearing a passive-aggressive fight break out over the radio? That would be like watching a real-time movie with your ears.

Seeing Anastasia scream "SOMEONE TAKE THE FUCKING GARBAGE OUT" made my fucking blood boil. Who the fuck does she think she is? Why should Travis have to stop his important job to take the rubbish out, that Anastasia is capable of doing it? If she could take it out of the bin, she could walk downstairs and put it wherever it needs to be put. Nobody was even doing anything when Travis walked in to get the bag, so let's just add this to list of reasons why I can't stand Little Miss Third Stew. I know I say it every week but Anastasia is a lazy, fake, entitled cunt. Want me to go on? Travis needs to grab a piece of steak and give the vegan another love tap with it because I can't think of any other way to make this bitch fall into line.

Also, she literally had ONE job and that was to bring back table settings, so when the stores they went into weren't "up to her standard" Anastasia should've kept looking until she found something or just grabbed a few things so that she didn't come back empty-handed because then it's all Hannah's fault when there's no table decor for dinner. But it just shows how selfish this little bitch is. I can't wait for these next three episodes to be over so I never have to see this girl ever again.

After hearing Travis' snappy attitude over the radio and smelling alcohol on his breath, Sandy decided to sit the deck crew member down and talk to him about his drinking problem. Sandy didn't accuse him of anything, she was just coming from a place of compassion to try and fix the issue. Could you guys ever picture Captain Lee doing that? I don't think so. Sandy bravely opening up about her own struggle to try and help Travis was so inspirational and she's definitely one of the best human beings to ever appear on Bravo. How did someone with such a good heart end up here? I don't know how but I'm grateful because Sandy is literally who I want to be when I grow up, just minus the yachting.

Seeing Sandy come from a genuinely warm place to talk about alcoholism was so refreshing to see, considering most of the time reality stars accuse each other of having an alcohol problem as a dig, but not Sandy. She's everybody’s favorite aunt who gives you an ample amount of hugs and you can tell anything to but will still put you in your place when you need it. Who can ask for anything more? Although Sandy's conversation came from a caring place, I still don't think it's going to help change Travis' alcohol intake. There definitely is a problem with Travis but whether or not he wants to admit it is his choice. Can I just say that not only is Sandy loving, kind and compassionate but she's also a hero because anyone who is sober and has a job dedicated to working for drunk rich people is even braver than Dr. Pimple Poppers job.

Apart from the producers really pushing this "Travis is an alcoholic storyline," we didn't have too much else going on. Anastasia continued to act like a cunt, Jack showed his love for Aesha by sticking cigarettes in her stuffed animal's mouth and writing her a sweet poem about her furry twat. Now, THIS is true love. These two are probably my favorite Below Deck couple ever and in my head I know they won't last due to, you know, living in two different countries but in my heart I want them to get married and have a little boat family off the coast of Greece where they can just sail around and give each other head in the open Greek air.

I also discovered that JWOWW is a daddy. His need to be an annoying snitch this season pissed me off but after he started treating his crew with a little respect and getting along with them, I've seen JWOWW in a different way and he is a daddy. That smile and those beefy muscles make me wetter than a tampon being dipped in water for a eighth grade sex ed demonstration, and I would definitely let him plug me with his Zimbabwe tribal stick whenever he wants.

Ben also had a freakout in the galley which I really couldn't give a quarter of a fuck about. Yes, the burners are annoying and cooking on a boat is probably the worst job in the world but use the fucking oven if the stove is so temperamental. It's not that hard. That wasn't all the kitchen struggles he went through. Just like a 78-year-old postmenopausal woman, Ben had no eggs. What the fuck can a chef do without eggs? Luckily they were able to Postmates 200 eggs to the yacht which is next level baller. Can Ben and Hannah just fuck already? She needs a root more than Travis needs alcohol and she'll probably enjoy Ben's company a lot more if they just have a steamy romp in the kitchen.

The final thing we have to discuss are the guests. Aside from the primary walking onto the boat with an t-shirt saying ALCOHOL NOW (same bro, same) and another guest saying putting a patch on your taint stops seasickness, they really didn't do a lot and I already miss the drunk cougars from last week. Can we have them on full-time? These guests had one of the worst charters of the season because the ocean was like a scene out of Pirates of the Caribbean. I have no idea why it was so rough but it really needs to chill because I'm in no mood to see all the kitchen cabinets opening due to the water being too rough.

Below Deck Med airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the horny boat crew!