Southern Charm Reunion Recap: Clap Gate

No one can deny Kathryn Dennis holds the crown for being the head bitch in charge of this show but if you have a pair of eyes, you also can’t deny that she was high out of her mind on Watch What Happens Live. I’m not mad at Kathryn and her behavior definitely wasn’t the result of hard drugs, but maybe just a Divorcees Cocktail AKA prescription pills with a splash of vodka.

Kathryn always gets a pass in this group because she has a horrible, disgusting, abusive baby daddy who loves taking her to court, however, nobody is deliberately trying to fuck with her. She accuses anyone of coming for her sobriety if they even graze the subject when 1) she isn’t sober and 2) she admitted to drinking. Obviously, everyone has to be careful about what they say about Kathryn because T-Rape will talk about it in court, but everyone should still be able to confront their issues with her.

She went MIA, wasn’t accountable for herself, ignored the entire cast and appeared drunk on WWHL. Nobody is making this up, it happened as a result of Kathryn’s actions, so instead of blaming everyone for talking about it, she should be proactive and not do those things so that there won't even be a conversation about it. Kathryn is hilarious, shady and the show wouldn’t work without its ruby crown jewel, however, she needs to own her shit and be a better friend regardless of her situation. Everybody goes through shit, ev-er-y-body, so it doesn’t give her an excuse to be a shitty friend to everyone else in the process. She’s my favorite, but facts are facts.

Also, I don’t understand why Kathryn can’t be friends with Madison? Who gives a flying fuck? Kathryn and Madison are hot young moms, they’ve both been the punching bags for the group and they know how to make this show interesting while everyone else does nothing. I like the entire cast as people but Southern Charm definitely has some of the weakest personalities on Bravo. Chelsea is always neutral, Cameran thinks she’s above the drama and was Naomie even at the reunion? This group always needs an outsider to come in, stir up drama so they can act horrified without getting their hands dirty in the drama, first Ashley and now Madison. Trashley is a mentally unstable gold-digger who belongs off the show with T-Rape, however, Madison was the only interesting thing to come out of this season and she definitely needs a full-time spot next year as compensation for her efforts. Without Madison, what the fuck would we be watching?

Should Madison be trusted? Absolutely not. Did she hurt most of the cast? Yes, of course. But is she the only thing keeping this show alive? Fuck yes. Think about it, Madison sent screenshots of her texts with Austen to Chelsea to stir up drama, her "client" slid into Danni's boyfriend's DMs because she wanted to bang and she told the world Shep gave Danni Chylamdia. She may be messier than a 15-year-old's bedroom but Little Miss Madison is doing the lord's work. Southern Charm's newest dysfunctional couple told Andy they aren't together, however, they did fuck the night before, so if this was 2007 their relationship status would be: it's complicated, which is a great place to be if Madison wants a second season.

We have seen many "gates" over the years on Bravo shows: Panty Gate, Puppy Gate, Rape Gate, and even Cancer Gate but Clap Gate definitely takes the cake. There were no winners from the Chylamdia reveal. Madison looked like a bitch for bringing it up, Austen looked even worse for telling her, Shep got accused of giving someone else a sexually transmitted disease (which sounds like a Tuesday for him) and now anybody Danni dates is going to be scared if she scratches her pussy. Both parties involved can say the allegation is fake until the cows come home (where's Trashley) but Austen obviously didn't make it up and that sneaky producer footage definitely confirms Shep told him

Chlamydia isn't the worst thing in the world and Andy even contacted Bravo's resident medical expert Dr. Jackie to discuss the issue. How the fuck did that conversation go? Shep getting treated for his plethora of STDs by Dr. Jackie is definitely the crossover I need to see. Danni's distraught attitude over the entire Chlamydia ordeal even further proves the rumor is true, because if it was a lie wouldn't you just laugh about it instead of blubbering every time it's brought up? Everybody just pretended Austen got the information "misconstrued" but how many different ways can you interpret your friend saying they gave your other friend Chlamydia?

If I've learned one thing from this season it's that Austen is a fucking idiot. He lied through his teeth for the entire reunion about not having sex with the blonde threesome girl when Kathryn, Craig, and Madison all said he did. He also gave us a confusing, illogical explanation of how he misinterpreted what Shep said. If you're going to lie, at least do it well. Between the constant replays of the threesome video, telling Madison way too much information about the cast and having pretend amnesia, nobody has looked worse than Austen this season, even Madison got a better edit. I don't care if Madison and Austen cheated on each other, if he fucks her up or the butt or if nobody likes them as a couple because it's their relationship and the only people it really affects is them.

Shep bringing the threesome girls to the finale party was a contrived, evil and petty move which I appreciate from a reality TV standpoint but as a human being, he looked like a sad red pimple on the ass of America. Shep is an elitist, arrogant prick who believes he's above the rest of the cast, however, if anything was "white trash" this season, it was him bringing those girls as his date. Mini T-Rape has so much rage, jealousy, and anger that he tries to mask with alcohol and passive-aggressive digs but it can't help but seep out of his puffy pours. He's the worst and the way he treats everyone isn't only unacceptable but just cruel. It would be one thing if, you know, he was sorry for anything he did but he always tries to justify his actions with a smile and some literature quote he learned in boarding school.

This is a man who regularly fucks girls almost 20 years younger than him, parties like it's 1999 all the time and managed to lose a girl in a ditch, so I have no idea how or why Shep Rose thinks he can call anyone white trash because the only difference is his trust fund. It's just maddening to see him be a massive cunt to everyone and not have any repercussions for his actions. Can season seven be a cast revolt against Shep because at the end of the day he's a sad, aggressive alcoholic that needs a reality check to make his pimply ass fall into line. Thankfully, Andy pressed Shep like he was an $8 juice and wouldn't let him play off his hypocritical behavior with an irrelevant quote from some philosopher about being an asshole. Can you imagine pushing 40 and still living off your parents? Tragic.

Another point of contention during the reunion was all the men saying they didn't have to work. Correct, they are on a hit reality show and get paid enough money so they don't have to work a regular 9 to 5 job, however, being a lazy couch potato who lives off a diet of beer and chips they found in between the sofa is not attractive. Their reaction to the idea of Chelsea wanting to work was as if she was saying she wanted to start smoking crystal meth. The reason they can't relate to her is that her passion is her profession whereas Austen, Craig and Shep's passion is beer and pussy. Craig has those pillows but that's more of a mild interest. However, to play devil's advocate it's not like the boys are taking welfare while they sit around doing nothing, they are getting paid to be on a reality show and they choose to drink and sleep-in every day because they can afford to. I'm just grateful everybody finally broke the fourth wall about their income.

Apart from Shep being an asshole, Madison driving the show and everybody talking about Chylamdia, nothing else really happened. Craig was jonesing for some Adderall, Cameran and Naomie barely got a word in, Kathryn played with her hair and Eliza sat on the couch for 85 seconds before they got rid of her. Is Eliza on this show because I forgot she existed until they brought her out, and even Stassi's brother got more airtime when he appeared on the Vanderpump reunion. Let's be real, Limehouse was a dud addition and the only purpose she served was being the vehicle to bring Trashley around the group. Also, she can save us her explanation of why she invited the gold-digger to all her events, because we all know the producers made her do it.

While this show is never going to top the insanity of season five, this reunion managed to deliver even if the main drama revolved around two cast members taking antibiotics. Going forward we definitely need some kind of revamp in the cast because everybody is getting way too comfortable sitting around and being nice while Madison stumbles through the group like a bull in a china shop. If Vicki Gunvalson can't even keep her job as a full-time cast member, then the majority of this cast definitely shouldn't be safe.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.