Vanderpump Rules Finale Recap: Happy Feet

In what world does a show begin the season with an engagement and end with the engagement party? Only in reality TV world would there be an engagement party three months after someone proposes and what’s the point of an engagement party? To announce an engagement we already knew happened three months prior? Weddings and all the mishegas that comes with them suck and the idea of season eight revolving around a cheating narcissist marrying his naive Kentucky muffin should be even less thrilling than this season was.

This entire episode basically took place at Brittany and Jax’s engagement party and I’ve said all I can really say about this couple. He cheated, they made up and now they’re engaged after Jax was on an adulting kick following his dad’s death. That’s it. He’s not a changed man because of Brittany, he’s a changed man because everyone changes once they lose a parent, Kentucky just happened to be in the right place at the right time and now he’s just hiding in all his aggressive egotistical ways as a great PR move. If Brittany Cartwright was the woman who changed Jax Taylor he wouldn’t have cheated on her with her coworker while an elderly woman slept nearby and anyone who believes otherwise is dumb enough to stan this couple. With that being said, if they are happy with their Brittany and the Beast themed wedding then let them have it.

Kentucky is excited to be getting married in a castle in an over the top Bravo purchased wedding dress and Jax is along for the ride so he can pump out a few kids before he starts fucking his way through the PTA meetings. They’re happy and even though all of us know this isn’t the ideal relationship for anyone to be involved in, I’ll watch from the sidelines and reserve my judgement because if it isn’t clear: I really don’t give a fuck. Do any of you? They’re getting married. Cool. They’re not the first people to get married and they’re not the last but I’m so over reality TV weddings I think my ears will start bleeding if I hear one more Flat Tummy Tea spokesperson shrieking about being engaged when it’s clearly just foreplay for the inevitable divorce storyline. Just to be clear, I love a reality TV divorce much more than I do a wedding on these shows because cougars fucking their way around their respective city is what really gets the ratings.

Now with Jax and Brittany out of the way, let’s dive into everything else. Not a lot happened in this episode. Everyone was excited for the $14k engagement party which is fucking ridiculous. Are they pulling money out of their asses? Who spends 14 thousand dollars on anything let alone a three-hour party? All you need is a nice venue and some free drinks to please your guests and I’m sorry, that flower wall was cute but how did this whole thing cost thousands of dollars? Who’s their accountant? Star Jones? Wedding storylines are a producer dream because of all the bullshit events they can come up with. The engagement party, wedding shower, bachelorette and bachelor parties, an exotic cast trip to decompress before the big day, dress shopping, tuxedo fittings, ring shopping, the rehearsal dinner and even a vow renewal in two seasons time if they make it that far, all laced with an undertone of “should they really be doing this?”

The only people who really matter in this episode are Scheana and Ariana. Yes, Stassi had another scene with Beau talking about how she’s bad at relationships but who cares? Stassi is the star of this show but we get it, she had two freakouts when she was drunk and she doesn’t want it to happen again and her visit to that witch really drove that point home. Stassi and Beau are going to be fine and are easily the most likeable couple on this entire show.

Scheana Marie Shay was nervous to see Adam after she fucked that hot model Ethan because even though Adam doesn’t love Scheana or want to be with her, he doesn’t want her to get with anyone else. Could he be more of a fuck boy? Adam is with Scheana for Instagram followers and the hope of possibly having sponsored Adidas content on his social media, nothing more, nothing less and Scheana fucking someone else is the best thing he has going because he can cause a scene and get more attention put onto himself. The only reason he should be mad is the risk of contracting an STD but he works at SUR, you can’t wash your hands without having a HPV scare. Scheana sucks, we all know this but Scheana’s scenes are the best scenes this show has to offer. The Bootleg Kardashian is acting like she’s in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, except she’s not writing an article and actually wants to keep these men.

Scheana’s desperate to be loved, especially in this Vanderpump climate of adulting, so it makes sense why she tries to create a relationship with the first 26-year-old barback who falls into her lap. Her scenes are like Fatal Attraction meets The Kardashians and we have to respect how Scheana is just unapologetically Scheana. Seeing her ask Adam if he loves after he repeating told her no was one of the best moments of my life and no Jax and Brittany wedding is ever going to top that. The only thing that comes close to topping that is the Bootleg Kardashian also claiming she thought about Adam the entire time while she was getting dicked down by the hot model.

Adam is a douche, he has no leg to stand on. If he doesn’t love her then he has no right to get mad and how Scheana was the one still clinging to him was the weirder part of their exchange. He just told you he doesn’t love you but you’re asking him for a hug? Really, Scheana? All this for a guy who won’t even go down on you? When he refused to eat your pussy the first time, wasn’t that a sign that you probably shouldn’t be with him? Adam’s more thirsty than a dog in heat and we seriously don’t need any more background characters trying to get their come up out of the SUR dumpster from a main cast member? Can’t he date Billie Lee because God knows she’s been working overtime to secure her own slow-mo drink throw in the opening credits, but like fetch, it’s just not going to happen. Oh and Scheana crying about adopting Adam a penguin named Spot was magical.

I’m #TeamScheana on this one and she’s definitely the cast member I’m most interested in having her own spin-off once this show is officially over. Who doesn’t want to see Scheana Marie Shay move to Miami Beach and scour the boardwalks for unsuspecting men with an entourage of yes people telling her how amazing she is? Scheana is my everything which is the sad reality of how far this show has fallen, it’s still entertaining but if Scheana making men go into witness protection is my reason for tuning in then there can’t be a lot more happening. The only thing better than the penguin revelation and the “YOU DONT LOVE ME" scene, was Scheana crying to Mamaw in a corner somewhere while huffing poppers. Yes, she was probably holding essential oils in her hands but I choose to believe she and Mamaw were having their own fun playing puff puff pass with poppers. If you don’t know what poppers are, ask your best gay friend.

Along with Scheana’s golden hour of television and Brittany floating on air, the only star left to shine in this finale was Ariana finally standing up to LVP. Everyone on the cast knows Lisa’s jokes aren’t really jokes and that she is a hypersensitive hypocrite who can give it but can’t take it, however, they just have to bend down and kiss the ring. Ariana went in with a strong opening about how LVP made Tom and Tom look like idiots for travelling to Mexico after the TomTom opening in an interview when it was her idea. Vanderpump will try and make anybody look bad whenever she can as a weird way to assert her dominance, it’s like a dog pissing on a tree, however, even Ariana bowed down halfway through their conversation when she realised there was no point going up against LVP on her own show that she produces. She’ll always win and she’ll never tell the truth, so where is Ariana supposed to go from here with her argument?

Apart from a weird scene at SUR with James and Raquel talking about their “future” after being exiled from any and all cast events, LVP did a beer bong and the night was officially over. This season was lukewarm and most of the characters didn’t even come to play, however, the reunion looks to more than make up for it and in reality TV, if a show has a shit season you can always count on the reunion to turn things around.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!