RHONJ Reunion Recap: Pornhub Princess
To end the season Teresa continued talking about how she will divorce Juicy Joe if he gets deported. No shit. We've known this for seasons now and it's only the first time that she's actually saying it out loud. Teresa is over Joe, she's moved onto 26-year-old dick and all the ladies on the couches know it, you really think she's using her rabbit in the draw? Also, when is he getting out? Joe is set to be released from prison in March and guess what - it's March. They have literal days for the appeal to go through and as sad as it is, we all know it's not going to be in the Giudices favour.
The first two parts of the reunion felt like we were watching The Teresa Show and after being in a world where nothing makes sense, I'm so happy we were allowed to revisit the new world of New Jersey where Margaret Josephs and her pigtails are the reigning queen. Teresa will always be the OG of Jersey, no one can take that from her, however, Marge is the new matriarch we've been waiting for. Comparing the differences between Italian and Jewish people digging into other people's business was so interesting and just confirmed I was Jewish in another life, I'm much more of a Jill Zarin than I am a Teresa Giudice.
New Jersey is the only show left that brings out the husbands and we don't need it. I've never cared to see the husbands sitting behind their wives and I don't care now. It's just weird, most of them just sit there like furniture while the others have to toe the line with standing up for their wives but not being disrespectful to some bitch on the other couch, it's just weird and I'd rather see these bitches pulling each other's hair than a bunch of men giving their opinions on women's mess. That being said, seeing these husbands, who are featured in the show much more than the other cities, give us their taglines was a beautiful thing, how have we never done this before? Let's break these down like we would a Housewives tagline.
Bill Aydin: A nip tuck a day allows my wife to spend and play.
This was better than I thought it would be. He could definitely work on the delivery but the disdain he feels for his wife is my favourite part of their relationship. Bill literally hates Jennifer and you can just tell he's quietly putting money away so he can fly to Turkey and get the fuck away from his bragging wife and five savage children. But as far as the tagline goes I love how it rhymes and good job Bill!
Evan Goldschneider: I have 4 kids, 2 degrees and one kick-ass wife.
Eh. And I mean eh. I like Jackie and her attractive husband but he could've given something a little more interesting than just regurgitating his wife's mathematic tagline and changing one word. Although it kind of makes me like him more because it shows he gives zero fucks about any of this shit and explains why he wasn't really featured. Plus, he's a nice Jewish husband and that's all you could ask for.
Frank Catania: I work hard, I play hard until I spend all my money on boats and whores.
I like the honesty. Honestly, what do I have to do to be one of Frank's whores? Get a spray tan, rock hard fake tits and cheap extensions because I feel like that's bodybuilder Frank's type. Can we get a spinoff or at least a leaked Instagram video of Frank Sr riding his boat with a couple of whores sitting on it because that's the content we need. I also need to know what Frank's like in bed because he looks like he'd tear that pussy up like a wildebeest.
Joe Benigno: If you want the job done right, ask me and I’ll do your wife.
Wow. Although I don't condone adultery, I'm glad Joe can laugh about fucking Margaret while he was supposed to be fixing her moulding and imagining cute little Joe B walking into a plumbing job and laying more than one kind of pipe is frightening and adorable at the same time. How can you be mad at him for fucking your wife when he's so cute? It's like getting mad at a Shih Tzu.
Joe Gorga: I don’t flip tables, I have sex on them AND I’m not a plumber but I know how to lay pipe.
Joe loves being a Housewife WAY more than his wife does and I think it's about time we swap those roles over because seeing him turn around in a golden cape to deliver his tagline proves he's made to be a New Jersey Housewife. The fact that both his respective taglines revolve around sex is so on brand and the image of him and Melissa fucking on a table is like literal porn. Danielle wishes! Also, how has he been famous for almost a decade and we've never seen a leaked photo of Tarzan? I'm confused.
After the husbands showed off their taglines, Danielle slithered out of whatever hole she's been hiding in wearing pajamas with a face that couldn't have more filler if she tried. What the fuck happened to the Prostitution Whore's face because she's always looked like she belonged in Whoville but seeing her sit on the reunion couch with that silked back hair was rough. I also love how the producers kept her in her cage until the end of the reunion because it once again shows just how much they hate her. She gave us an update on her divorce and confirmed she's still living with Marty while they both have restraining orders against each other. That's healthy and totally functional. Only two months later and not only is Danielle divorced but she's engaged to lucky number 21. How time flies!
Everyone just went over obvious information we all already know to be true such as the fact that Danielle is a horrible human being, that she was spewing shit into Marty's ears to get him to act like an asshole towards Marge, how she only married him to have a storyline on TV and that she wanted him to choose her over his children. Danielle Staub is the definition of a snake and even Kim G got a mention by asking about Danielle questioning if Melissa and Jackie were bumping uglies when the Prostitution Whore herself was once a faux lover of the devil's cup. Danielle claimed to always be a bisexual but she's as bi as Kim Zolciak during her DJ Tracey days. Teresa is still defending Danielle because "she hasn't done anything to me" but Jackie never did anything to Melissa and Kim D never did anything to Dolores, so why did Teresa get mad when they didn't defend her?
Teresa Giudice is a hypocrite and Teresa Giudice is an idiot. End of fucking story. Anytime Margaret would rattle off one of the numerous things Danielle did to her (on camera) during the season, Tre would make excuses saying it wasn't that bad. Well guess what? A fucking analogy isn't that bad but Teresa carried on about Jackie for an entire season. And for future reference, Danielle only texted Teresa everyday when her mother was sick as a bid to get back on the show and if Teresa is too stupid to see that then they deserve to be friends.
Somehow Danielle thought it was okay to reprimand Margaret for having an affair. Um. Does Danielle Staub not own a mirror? She must need a ladder to crawl out of the gutter and onto such a tall high horse. Danielle calling Margaret a shitty person for bringing up her past after Danielle had brought up her past a minute prior is like Hitler calling someone a racist. It really doesn't mean anything. And are we all going to pretend Danielle has never cheated on a significant other and even if we want to give her that much credit, are we also going to pretend that she wasn't a prostitute? Danielle wouldn't have anything without her Prostitution Whore title and it's public knowledge that's how she was paying her bills in the cartel days. Danielle Staub may have never been paid for sex but Beverly Merrill was definitely a lady of the night, or even the day for the right price.
To end Danielle's portion of the reunion Margaret offered the Pornhub princess an iconic monologue which describes the entire situation to a tee and is a great message for everyone in life. You can change your name, you can change your address, you can change your face but you will ALWAYS be the same Beverly deep inside - and trust me, nobody wants to be Beverly. If Danielle and #21 are lucky enough to come back around next season I'm definitely referring to her as Beverly in any and all recaps. Speaking of Beverly, before she left she gave Teresa an engraved Tiffanys necklace in a very Single White Female fashion. Dina Manzo was right, Beverly totally would skin Teresa and wear her like last year's Versace. Couldn't she have given her the necklace off camera if they are such good friends? It was fucking weird, uncomfortable and total brown noser move.
Things only got weirder when Jennifer also decided to give Teresa a gift. Is it Teresa's birthday? Why the fuck is everyone giving her presents? And why couldn't they save them until the cameras went down? Why? One of my pet peeves of life is seeing others receive presents so every Bravolebrity gifting Andy Cohen gifts for his baby on WWHL while he pretends to "looove it" is a hard pill to swallow so you can imagine my glee when the end of the reunion was all about Andy once again. He had his baby shower, no one cares anymore and the way he managed to turn the end of the reunion into being all about him was a total Housewives move and I couldn't be prouder. He learned from the best!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the craziest ladies in Jersey.
