RHOA Recap: Mrs Hot Dog King
When did this show become so sad? I could always count on these Atlanta broads to lift me up and make me laugh, however, in recent weeks all these bitches have done is sob about their lives. Who the fuck goes to Tokyo and takes turns crying into their sake? What am I watching? This week in a single hour of television, NeNe cried about Gregg, Kandi teared up about having a surrogate, Eva wept about her dumb wedding and Porsha bawled while being proposed to. I'm running out of synonyms here.
I'm so ready for this show to end. We are 15 episodes in with three trips under our belts and nothing has happened, I couldn't find a fuck to give if I tried and this season has been a long slog to get through. To make a long story short, these ladies are all going through life-changing events which are meaningful to them but boring to watch when three seasons ago these same women were accusing one another of rape, fighting over houses and (literally) dragging each other across ballrooms. How have we fallen this far? I like my Housewives messy, if I wanted something light I'd eat a rice cake.
Kandi wants a surrogate and so does Todd, he just doesn't want to associate with the surrogate or really have any part of the pregnancy because he's from the Bronx and wasn't raised this way. He also wasn't raised with millions of dollars and two houses that sit aside each other, so if he can deal with that, I'm pretty sure he can deal with cumming into a cup and shooting it inside a stranger, especially considering Todd Tucker is the one who wants another child. Kandi and Todd don't need another child, they complain about barely having enough time to see the ones they have, but for storyline purposes, I hope they pursue this route because I love a Bravo crossover and the more flashes of Dr Jackie we see, the better.
Gregg still has cancer and NeNe is still pissed at him. That's all we really need to know. NeNe is hating life while her husband is shitting into a bag and eating lettuce. Colostomy is literally the most disgusting word I've ever heard, moist and panties don't even come close, so the fact that Gregg not only had to shit into a colostomy bag but needed to change the colostomy bag and eventually have a surgery to remove the colostomy bag is one of the most disturbing things I've ever even thought of, so I can understand why he isn't too cheery. However, I completely understand where NeNe is coming from too, who wants to be married to an angry grouch? What's the benefit, especially when he was acting this way before the cancer came about. It's a tough situation.
Eva decided we couldn't hate her any more than we already do, so she made the executive decision to spend the entire time talking about her impending nuptials. Even though the ladies literally flew to Japan for her bachelorette party, I completely forgot she was getting married and this wedding isn't going to save her Bravo career, she's boring and the only thing worse than Eva lying about her shade is complaining about a wedding that not one person cares about. What made me realise why we haven't connected with Eva is that we haven't even seen her house. Sure, she wanders through the odd room but we don't know the inner workings of her household.
We've seen Lake Bailey, Moore Manor, Chateau Sheree and even the recently purchased Casa Leakes. We know these houses inside and out because they've become extensions of their sassy owners, however, being in Eva's home felt like we were in a strangers house or visiting an aunt who's personality is as boring as her beige walls. The whole thing made me realise we don't know this woman and her townhouse is a dull, generic void of air just as Eva herself. Why do brides always act like they are the only person ever to be married? Nobody cares. You're the new girl on the Housewives and if there wasn't cameras and a Bravo contract we all know she would've been at the justice of the peace months ago if they even wanted to get married at all.
To recap, NeNe cried about Gregg, Kandi teared up about having a surrogate, Eva wept about her dumb wedding, Cynthia ran around in all sorts of different wigs grabbing our attention from the sadness going on around her and Porsha got engaged. After an entire season of waiting and complaining for her man to get down on one knee and ask to spend the rest of his life with her, the hot dog king himself decided to get her pregnant and then ask to marry her. As annoying as Porsha is, this is literally all she's ever wanted. Ever. And after seven years of being a fly on the wall in her life, she's finally found (a) love of her life and has a baby on the way, which is more than she thought she would have. Porsha Williams fairytale has come true.
As fairytale-esque as the moment was, it wasn't too believable. Dennis told Porsha he was taking her on a helicopter ride to a charity event. Woah. Woah. Woah. Who the fuck rents a helicopter just to attend a fucking charity event? Doesn't that contradict the entire idea of charity and who loves a charity that much that they need to rent a helicopter to commute there? I call bullshit, if Porsha didn't know she was going to be engaged within 33 seconds of seeing the helicopter turn up, then maybe her Underground Railroad of a brain is just as stupid as we originally thought. That being said, the rose petals, the song and the entire thing was sweet but I believe proposals should be between two people and an entire Bravo camera crew, just the way nature intended.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on our favourite Georgia peaches.
