The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 9 Cast Ranked!
Following four seasons of Jersey's decline, Andy Cohen promised this season would bring the franchise back from the dead and with the messy additions of Jennifer and Jackie who perfectly transitioned the show to become an ensemble cast rather than The Teresa Show, he was right. For the first time in a long time, this show felt alive as everyone brings something different and seeing the split cast hurl insults, glassware and wine at one another during their Cabo dinner proved Bravo has finally found Jersey's secret sauce which tastes like pasta, red wine and betrayal. Check out our season nine ranking below:
7. Dolores Catania
Since her debut, Dolores has acted as the moral compass of the group, however, this year she took a backseat, traded out Siggy with Teresa to be her new sidekick and joined the "Old School" team while spending most of the season on the sidelines with her buff, non-trustworthy ex-husband. Is Dolores co-dependant on Frank Catania? Fuck yes. Should they cut the bullshit and start fucking like rabbits? 100%. If Dolores' doctor boyfriend can't service her needs then Frank certainly can. Aside from her flipping houses with Frank while he lied about being disbarred, Dolores didn't do a lot. Her beef with Danielle never went anywhere and we only got to see Paterson Dolores finally emerge after Jennifer smashed her glass like a maniac, however, it's always a welcomed surprise when that bitch strolls back into town. Dolores' contribution was weak and we need her Paterson alter-ego to move in next season to keep us interested.
6. Melissa Gorga
The only thing more boring than Melissa's 865th fight with Teresa is her trying to find her long lost sister because a medium told her to. Her permanently ombre-d hair and Joe Gorga's need to shove his old school values down her throat as if it's his penis are two things this show can do without and if Joe wasn't related to Teresa and vying for camera time, Melissa would've been out of the picture a long time ago. She doesn't give us anything until she's poked and prodded to the point where she needs to react. Joe not visiting his dad had nothing to do with Melissa, however, through Teresa blaming all her issues in life on her sister-in-law their old family feud was reignited for most of the season. Combined with her trying to find her "third sister" who probably doesn't exist, Melissa had the opportunity to give us something when Jennifer threw a glass at her but stormed off three seconds later, but I'm happy she stood up for Margaret. Next!
5. Teresa Giudice
We've finally graduated to a point in this franchise where we don't need Teresa Giudice. Of course, she's the OG of this chapter and she definitely isn't going anywhere, however, this has finally become an ensemble show and no longer revolves around Tre going bankrupt, fighting with her family or getting locked up which is probably the reason this has been the best season in a long time. Although Teresa is no longer the star of the show she did pull her weight by blaming Melissa for all her family drama, feuding with Jackie over an analogy and becoming Danielle's puppet after the Prostitution Whore shoved her hand up her ass and made her start spreading propaganda about the Marge. However, Tre does lose points for not drinking and only eating leathery chicken for most of the season because we need our Housewives in a tipsy state at all times.
4. Danielle Staub
Danielle Staub is the definition of a bad person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, she belongs on the Mount Rushmore of Hell along with Bin Laden, Hitler and Charles Manson. The resident Prostitution Whore isn't relatable, funny or even likeable, she's just a black void who's thirst for fame and a Bravo paycheck forces her to throw glasses and spread rumours to try and achieve the full-time spot we all know she's never going to get. I literally hate Danielle Staub and she is the worst human across any Bravo show, however, without her manipulating Teresa, becoming a 56-year-old bridezilla during a marriage which only lasted three months and vilifying Marge after she didn't do a thing to her we wouldn't have a lot to work with. Danielle sucks and she has a dangerous, uninsurable aspect which keeps her from being a Housewife but we need a crazy, thirsty, fucked up bitch to keep this show moving.
3. Jackie Goldschneider
The New Jew of the group fucking brought it. In recent years the new girls in every city have been quiet spoken wallflowers who don't do anything more than get offended over someone yelling at them so it was a relief to have two polarising additions who didn't give a fuck what they had to do to make their mark. Every Housewife in the history of New Jersey has felt a little scared of Teresa, except for Jackie who didn't give a single fuck about bringing up her incarcerated husband to make a point and instead of backing down when Teresa yelled at her, she held her ground and maintained she wouldn't be spoken to like a slave. She also wrote an article about Jennifer's (spoiled) children and didn't back down in that situation either. This is the kind of big dick energy we need from new Housewives and love her or hate her, Jackie made her mark in the Garden State.
2. Jennifer Aydin
Let's get one thing straight, I don't like Jennifer Aydin. She's a rude Jacqueline Laurita lookalike with no self-awareness and a sad Chanel addiction, however, she is amazing TV. She started off the season insulting the entire state of Oklahoma and bragging about her marble monstrosity of a home with sixteen bathrooms, however, she dropped into the background and went to Turkey only to come back with a PLAN to stir shit up. In only a matter of episodes this woman gave her cast member a knife, insulted Marge’s mother, yelled about a MONKEYS ASSHOLE in a public restaurant, transitioned her blood type to tequila and smashed a wine glass into a shiv. Love her or hate her, and I know most of you hate her, but this woman gave us exceptional TV even if she broke a few felonies.
1. Margaret Josephs
Sophomore seasons make or break Housewives, they can either spiral from grace like Siggy Flicker (RIP) or solidify newbies into legendary status and that’s exactly the case with Margaret Josephs. The Marge is the comedic relief this show needs and while her house still isn't finished what she lacks in home decor, she more than makes up for in entertainment value. When she wasn't throwing a zinger in her confessionals, Margaret was probably off fighting with someone. For most of the season bridezilla, Danielle blamed any and all her problems on Marge which erupted into a toxic feud and ended with Marge dousing her in red wine before waltzing up a marble staircase while Danielle ran around like a banshee.
Oh, and she also managed to push the Prostitution Whore's douchy husband into a pool during the finale party. She knows how to give us that soap opera flair. Her feud with Jennifer is also one for the books and while they were both wrong for talking about each other's mothers, husbands and brothers, it's fucking entertaining and Marge retracted her statements 8 seconds later like lady. Margaret is a legend and has officially become the new Queen of Jersey. Bow down, bitches.
Do you agree with our ranking? Sound off in the comments below!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the craziest ladies in Jersey.
