Jersey Shore Recap: Nuclear Fusion

The episode began the only way it should, with Snooki throwing broccoli across an elegant steakhouse and dancing like a homeless guy on the subway. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and her alter ego Dren really are the gifts that keep on giving on this show, I know this show is built on Snooki and JWOWW's friendship but seeing the meatball and the meatloaf, Snooki and Angelina, throw water on each other in the cab and wrestle like five-year-old's gave me hope that the spiral squad could get down. I know it's not kosher to say but I like Angelina on this show and I just feel bad for their Uber drivers who have to deal with their mess in the backseat, their rating would be worse fucked than Mike's asshole after eight months in prison.

I love the Jersey Shore crew and this season has been thoroughly entertaining but this hate fuck storyline between Vinny and Angelina has been going on for way too long. Either he's going to stick his Italian sausage in her Staten Island drain pipe or he's not, can they just make the decision already? In the club, she sat on his dick and kept touching it, which Vinny didn't seem mad about in the moment. Wouldn't he be happy someone besides himself is touching his dick for once?

Here's the thing, I don't think Angelina really wants to fuck up her relationship and have sex with Vinny, she knows this storyline is keeping her relevant on the show and she'll do whatever the producers say because she's desperate to keep her spot and if that means she needs to sexually assault Vinny and talk about him not stop then so be it. No one has more hustle than a "friend of" reality star who needs to keep their spot on the show because they are inches away from being on the street. Just ask Danielle Staub. Isn't Angelina a firefighter though? How is she getting so much time off?

When they got back to the Giudice-esque house, Vinny and Angelina both engaged in a game of sexual chicken. The rest of the cast sat in the back with their popcorn egging on the hate-fucking like a Greek chorus while the two Staten Island cast members tried to see who was going to make a move first. Angelina was jumping all over Vinny and he took his pants off to see how close she'd go to his footlong. Vinny definitely isn't my favourite Guido and he's the biggest little bitch of the group, however, I saw the outline of his semi-hard penis in his underwear and it was huge. I think they both do want to have sex a little bit due to the sexual tension but they also just enjoy fucking with the other one even if it's through a weird sex game. Can we get Chris to drive out to this shore house and make the dirty Staten Island sandwich actually happen because he'd definitely be able to pull them both into bed and put something in both their mouths to stop them from fighting.

After the cute back and forth of wrestling on Vinny's bed, things turned awkward and ugly when Angelina started going below the belt and saying Vinny is a little bitch without Pauly and couldn't even fuck the girl in AC without him, which is the truth. Vinny is so deep inside Pauly's asshole he sees out his eyes and the Atlantic City situation was fucking weird. Pauly's girl left but that doesn't mean Vinny couldn't have sex with his girl. They aren't tag teaming the girls together so I don't understand why Vinny couldn't get his dick wet, does he need to hold Pauly's hand as he fucks girls in their adjacent twin beds? After the Pauly roast, Vinny got butt hurt and probably cried himself to sleep, whereas Angelina went back to her room and said she wouldn't fuck him but she'd take a dump on his face while he's sleeping. She really puts the dump in the Staten Island Dump.

The next morning The Situation took an already drunk JWOWW to watch him speak at a rehab, which is a place a lot of their cast members could definitely go. They met with a fan who claimed Mike saved his life and I know I initially thought Saint Michael was just a publicity stunt on the show to prove he had changed to the judge, however, I really think he is this boring and serious in real life. Mike has actually changed his life for the better and although it hasn't helped his reality TV career it helped him become a better person and I guess that's better. I think? For a rehab I expected it to look more boughy and fancy considering The Situation stayed there but his Jersey Shore checks probably didn't stretch that far for a fancy rehab.

Everyone else when to Jenkinson's on the shore which has been a Jersey Shore hotspot since day one. Is that where Snooki got drunk before she was arrested or is it where she got punched in the face? I can't remember, but it was where Snooki and Deena planned to go before Mike got them a cab to Times Square. Wow. Those were the fucking days.

I've said it before and I'll say it until the day I get cirrhosis of the liver, day drinking is the best kind of drinking one can do. It enhances your day and you can either sober up before dinner and have a great nights rest, have a nap and a snack later or just keep drinking the whole night through. The options are endless. Vinny acted like a school shooter all day and was moping around like a little bitch. Is he really that cut about what Angelina said? He's probably insecure about his inability to fuck bitches without the assistance of "his husband" and her comment was a trigger for him.

He claimed he was angry about her touching his dick but he was fine with her until the Pauly comment. Vinny officially is the first cast member to join the #MeToo movement and we saw his depression about it play out on the show. He sulked the entire day which was just a waste of a paycheck on MTV's behalf, nobody to watch someone walking around depressed on Jersey Shore. He and Jenni made a safeword to save him whenever Angelina is too much and they landed on "Nuclear Fusion" because it was an intelligent word the rest of the cast wouldn't understand. They could've gone with "consent" because Angelina wouldn't have known what it meant either. Vinny sucks at the best of times but especially when he's annoying and sad, if he wants to sulk then he should go back to Staten Island and suck on Paola's heaving breasts.

The meatballs stayed at Jenkinson's longer to continue day drinking in front of cameras where Ronnie was babysitting them. Ron struggles to look after his newborn baby let alone two 30-year-old drunk girls, so I'm confused how he thought he'd be able to manage them. Angelina is a committed drinker and can party harder than most of the people on this show, she keeps up with Snooki and gives her a meatball to spiral with in Deena's absense which I admire and respect. As soon as they returned to the house, Ronnie went inside and left Snooki in a bush and Angelina asleep in the car, which just showcases Ron's parenting abilities. I know Snooki's short but how does she always fall over?

The "family" had Sunday dinner where Pauly arrived and got Vinny out of his funk. I know they joke about being in love but I really do think Vinny has feelings for Pauly, can you imagine if we had a gay couple on this show? It would be beautiful and they'd be the most mature and stable relationship to come out of this, which isn't that hard. Vinny would definitely be the bottom. Angelina is a producer's dream because doesn't stop. She kept saying Vinny was obsessed with her and even brought up his mother to get the drama going and he fell for her trick.

Angelina is the Danielle Staub of this show, she wants and needs a fight with Vinny so she was going to push his buttons like he was an Xbox remote. The comment about his mother set him off and made him start screaming about wanting to be left alone. He literally can't get rid of Angelina, she's like a spam email he can't block but I hope if one of the Staten Island lovers has to leave the house it's Vinny because Angelina has given more in one season than he has in his entire reality TV tenure. JWOWW definitely needed to use the safeword at this dinner.

Jersey Shore Family Vacation airs Thursdays at 8/7c on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!