KUWTK Recap: Cheaters
It’s. Finally. Here.
After seven months and an entire season that was more sleep-inducing than the poppies in the Wizard Of Oz, we finally got to the cheating Tristan Thompson episode and just as I had suspected, it was watered down like a weak cocktail. In an episode about a cheating scandal that was revealed while Khloe was literally five minutes away from giving birth we had to be bothered with way too many lame storylines that were just a waste of time. I don’t want to see Kendall and Scott’s budding friendship or Kim complain about missing her high school reunion, I want to see a pregnant Khloe breaking down and berating her cheating baby daddy.
E! really needs to get their shit together. I should've known this episode was going to be weak when they started the cold open with Jonathan venturing outside of Kim's asshole for the first time and bouncing on a trampoline. When Jonathan is the beginning of an episode you know it's going to be a rough one.
At the beginning of the episode, Khloe announced she was on maternity leave from the show so all her scenes were recorded throw Snapchat. Out of any job you could ever have, wouldn't being on a reality show be the one job where you don't have to go on maternity leave? All Khloe has to do is sit in her bed like a beached whale eating Cheetos and watching House Hunters reruns, why can't the cameras be there? I'm confused. The Kardashians have the easiest job in the world, they basically get paid to live and you're telling me Khloe needs a break from that? That's just unacceptable. We basically were only allowed to see the end of Khloe's pregnancy through Snapchats which was disappointing but not totally unexpected for this crew.
While Khloe bounced on an exercise ball in Cleveland, Scott and Kendall tried their hardest to be the latest odd wacky duo on this show and it was rough to watch. When it's left to Scott and Kendall to carry a storyline and be the fun duo on this show, you know it's gone downhill. Kendall isn't fun. Kendall isn't that girl. Kendall doesn't have the funny character of Khloe or Kris to matchup with Scott and it's just sad watching her try. Why the fuck is Kendall even on this show? Can't we just focus on the core three sisters because all she does is complain about her anxiety and try to make moments happen but no one cares enough to give her the attention she wants.
Their friendship basically just revolved around extreme sports and you all KNOW if there's one thing I hate watching on reality TV more than small children, it's watching sport or any physical exercise for that matter. Sex is probably the only high action thing I'll allow on these shows. They went ATVing and skydiving which is just as boring as it sounds. Sure, doing those things would be exciting but why should we care to watch it when we only came to watch the cheating scandal unfold? Kendall acted like a little bitch and wouldn't jump out of the plane but after crying and wasting our time she finally did it. Ugh. Kill me now. On the car ride back from their little adventure was when the action really started.
Possibly the only good moment of the entire season was the montage the producers put together of all the girls finding out about Tristan being a pig. It was amazing, I love a split screen but their reactions were less than acceptable. I understand Kylie struggles to move her face at the best of times but when you find out that your nine months pregnant sister's baby daddy has been fucking every THOT with a fake ass, you might want to raise an eyebrow or have a gay gasp. Just a thought. As much as I love seeing Kendall, Kylie, Kourtney and Kim find out about Tristan's cunty ways, why didn't we have eyes on Khloe? There should've been a film crew set up in her bedroom while she had a breakdown each time she got a new TMZ alert, I don't want to hear how she's doing through the phone. What the fuck is that?
Immediately the sisters launched into the discussion of should they tell Khloe? Um. I'm pretty sure Khloe has wifi and she was literally at the centre of the universe when that story dropped so why wouldn't she know? It's not like one of them saw him making out with a girl at a diner in Oklahoma, he was caught cheating on TMZ. I don't think they have the luxury not to tell Khloe. Of course, she wanted to return to LA but was way too pregnant to travel so she had to stay at Tristan's house in Cleveland until she was ready. I'm feeling all the rage I felt when the story dropped back in April. It's coming back like a harsh herpes attack. She moved her ENTIRE life to Cleveland to accommodate this man and he's making out with bitches in public? You are dating one of the most famous people on the planet and you're cheating in broad daylight? I don't care what anyone says, I think the 26-year-old was deliberately looking for a way out but Khloe didn't let him go.
How disgusting is he? We had to endure all the pain Khloe went through during the Lamar years and now she finally met a nice guy and is finally pregnant, only to end it with finding out about what her man is really up to. It makes my stomach turn thinking about it and to make matters even worse she stayed. Grandma MJ is always a place of wisdom on this show and she said the only things that matter about this situation: he's never going to change and Khloe needs a new type. If one basketballer is going to cheat on you, they all will. Tristan's never ever going to change. I don't care if he hangs out with you and the baby or texts you where he is at all times. No fucking way. Khloe may say she's over it or trusts him but in the back of her mind, she's always going to second guess everything he tells her and she's never going to be truly happy. I just wish Khloe would get out of her own way and break up with him, but like an alcoholic, she needs to end her addiction because SHE wants to. And her addiction is big black cock.
To no one's surprise, Khloe went into labour so the family rushed to their private jets and took off for Cleveland so she wasn't alone with that pig of a man. She said she wanted to still enjoy the birthing experience with Tristan and didn't want anyone to make him feel uncomfortable which I understand for the sake of the baby and her own memories of giving birth for the first time, but really Khloe? If I were one of the sisters I'd be throwing petty digs at him the entire time and giving him more side-eye than an Atlanta Housewife. It's disgusting what he did to her and he would be lucky to be in the room. Khloe relies on men way too much in her life and the birth probably bonded her and Tristan together which made her forget about all the cheating and not want to end things, but now she's going to be reminded of it for the rest of her life.
Whenever she looks into his eyes she's going to think of him making out with that girl in New York. Whenever she sucks his dick she's going to think of the countless other hoes that were bouncing on it while she was carrying HIS baby. It makes me feel sick to think about and I just hope Kim really did spit on him at the hospital. Kim, Kourtney and Malika ended the episode waiting for their jet pregaming how they were going to face Tristan in the hospital and although Malika wanted everyone to play nice for Khloe's sake she is not the bitch you want to mess with. She's the girl who would take Tristan out the back and give him THE talking to. Fuck Kim and her Kanye-esque attitude, Malika is the bitch who would get Tristan together. She LOVES Khloe, we all saw that kiss in the Hamptons, so she's definitely the one in this situation who would be on Snapped in this situation.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.
