Married To Medicine Recap: Un-Marrying Medicine

We start off with CONE-Tessa and newsflash: she's still alive. It turns out Cone elected to get her boob job within the same surgery of having her mastectomy which is smart because who wants to feel like they've been hit by ten buses full of cattle twice when you could knock it out all in one go. I wonder if she's going to choose to have fake nipples because that's apart of the surgery we don't hear women talk about and I just think it's an interesting part of the process because not having nipples isn't something you think about until you no longer have them.

CONE-Tessa will be out of operation for the next six to eight weeks which will make her more redundant on this show than she already was. I understand she needed this surgery (for health) and reality show purposes but she obviously didn't factor in the time she would have to take off filming, so it's kind of a double-edged sword, she finally gets a storyline but then can't really participate in anything else. I almost want to thank CONE-Tessa for the favour she gave us. She's raising awareness and enlightening people about this surgery and also phasing herself out of the show in the process. It's really a win-win for everyone involved. Once she's back in commission I hope Cone and Jackie have a sit down about the sisterhood of both having mastectomies because I think it's always beautiful to see two survivors bond over things nobody else could possibly relate to, like Dorinda and Carole's bonds over their husband's death's on RHONY. It weirdly fascinates me.

Although she claimed to be out of commission, which was the title of the episode and seems to be the word of the day, Cone decided to invite Mariah and their "mutual" friend over. Ugh. I've seen their short platinum blonde haired dentist in clips from the trailer and I'm guessing she's this season's "friend of" who they keep around for messy drama purposes because Heavenly needs a chew toy to keep her occupied. I'm happy with the seven girls we have but if the producers really need to introduce another "friend" into the mix more power to them. This new "friend" whose name escapes me (I want to say, Polly?) invited everyone to her housewarming party but of course, Cone couldn't attend because she has to sit in bed eating soup in her "Happy Camper" t-shirt for the next two months.

Most of the other ladies lives stayed pretty stagnant during this episode. Toya and Eugene are still building their house, which has surprisingly moved along quickly because that place already has walls. I don't know how many times I can see these two go to their lot just to film scenes arguing about which boughy element of their house they want to be included in it, but I'm already sick of it. How many times can we be reminded of their tax situation? Seriously. Every single time either one of these two either mentions, reference or think about money the producers always manage to throw the flashback of Eugene on his bed complaining about their big spending to remind us of their old storyline.

I feel like I've watched the same Toya and Eugene scene for the last three episodes on this show but except this time their kids got to run around unsupervised in a construction site. There's a structure for their scenes: they turn up on the lot, Toya complains about something she wants for the house, they talk about their money problems in the confessionals and the producers throw in a tax flashback. No wonder Toya feels the need to be messy at any and all group events because with this formula she needs a new storyline to keep her around.

Everyone is pretty much the same. Simone still doesn't want to live with her family or fuck her husband which are two vital parts of reconciling their relationship but instead of just moving back into together or finally having sex, they both had dumb fights about posting photos with their "friends" which had literally nothing at all to do with anything they were talking about but for some reason I still loved it. Give me Simone and her wheezy laugh and I'm good.

Jackie and Curtis are moving because of the "bad memories" in their house which are just a sign that she is never, ever, ever going to get over this cheating scandal. In every confessional Jackie and her quiet voice always have to throw shade back at Curtis for saying dumb shit just to remind him that he cheated. Curtis could say "I was well behaved in school" and Jackie will reply with a shady grin and say "Mmm, okay" and I am 100% okay with it because after his behaviour last year he is a pig and he's still continuously trying to act that way by supporting Dr G and contradicting everything Jackie says because he has a new clout from sticking his dick where it doesn't belong.

In this episode, we also found out that Quad had officially filed for divorce and moved out of her house: through her aunt. While at lunch Quad's aunt just dropped this tea like she was talking about her favourite lemon tart recipe which was accompanied by flashbacks of the move. What the actual fuck. Why weren't we there during the decision making process? Why weren't we there during the move? Why wasn't there a camera on Quad? And why the fuck did we hear this massive piece of tea from her aunt? The producers need to get their shit together because this was a bigger mess than CONE-Tessa's new wig. I don't understand why we weren't more involved in this drama if she is on a reality show and without her marriage being a huge part of the show I think Quad definitely wouldn've been demoted due to her lacklustre effort this season.

The random new "friend of" dentist threw her housewarming party and decided to invite a bunch of bitches she's never met. This is the weirdest party set up we've ever had especially because we didn't even get a confessional or a background story on this new dentistwho's probably been living her in her house for three years but needed an excuse to throw a party for the show. Quad made an appearance because she obviously had a gun to her head from production and showed up ready to talk about her impending divorce but as soon as Toya opened her mouth with a passive-aggressive comment, Quad shut down.

I'm confused where I stand on this beef. On one hand, I understand they are mad at her for not talking about her drama on the show when they all do but on the other hand, that doesn't mean they have to switch sides over to Dr Greg and blame Quad for not staying with her husband, because that marriage needed to end more than the HUQ and his hair transplant need to sit in the corner and shut the fuck up. I always feel myself swaying over to #TeamQuad but then she'll shut down and give us a stone wall moment which is hard to work with. I'm in the middle. Quad needed to be REAL about what was going on in her life and the other girls should support her instead of saying she should make it work with Dr Greg because anyone with an eye could see Quad was trying her hardest to make it work all last season and that was AFTER he had already cheated on her. I'm confused why it took her this long to call it quits because she should've been done before that reunion taping ever took place.

Apart from having a really compassionate conversation with Jackie and her broach, Quad ended up trying to explain her situation to the ladies but once again shut down when Mariah and her jealous ways took over. Mariah is annoyed that Quad has become the star of the show so she needs to try and take back her Queen Bee title whenever she can, which happens to be whenever the spotlight is on Miss Quad. Mariah also knows she has to bring it if she wants to keep her Bravo check which resulted in Quad shutting down and not telling the ladies she's getting divorced. I'm down for Mariah being a bitch but could she let Quad finish a fucking sentence? Let's hope she tells them before the blogs do because that will be a WHOLE conversation.

Tacky Toya also emerged in this episode when she got mad that CONE-Tessa didn't text her about her surgery beforehand. Who gives a fuck? They were fighting the last time they saw each other and they aren't really friends, so I don't understand Toya's contention. I want to be #TeamTackyT but Toya is her own worst enemy when she picks battles over texts with a woman who just had life-changing Toya. It's like fighting with someone in a wheelchair, no matter how good your point is and no matter how much of an asshole they may be, you're always going to look like the cunt. Either Toya completely lacks any self-awareness or she just needs a storyline. I love Toya and CONE-Tessa is a constant annoyance but Toya was an asshole with this one. Sigh.

Married To Medicine airs Sunday at 8/7c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these medicial miracles!