Sep 29, 2018

Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Salama-tittie

It may have taken eight episodes but Shahs has finally gotten good and it’s all thanks to MJ’s chunky ass running around Las Vegas ready to get some premarital dick.

The gang hit the ground running in this episode and set off for Vegas within the first five minutes, thank god we didn’t get any of those dumb packing scenes and Bravo started with the action because we’ve waited long enough for something to happen on this show. The whole crew and Adam took off and I’m confused why the mousy b-character managed to get a ticket on this trip. Adam is more boring than watching paint dry or watching an anorexic person pretend to eat food. Surely he isn’t getting paid by Bravo because if so they deserve their money back - with interest.

Shervin gets sexier every time we see him and although everyone was giving him shit about those cornrows, I loved it. MJ and her budget Erika Jayne glam squad aren’t the only ones who give us lewks. Nope. Destiney tried with her blue wig, Shervin tried with his cornrows and of course Nemo just floated around like a dead fish with a droopy face. Did we really have to demote Shervin and his chest hair so that a Twink with a saggy face would take his spot? Come on Bravo, the only person who wants to see Nema on their screen is his sister and that’s become they have a relationship Angelina Jolie would be proud of.

I’m almost certain the Shahs stayed in the exact same suite the Jersey Shore cast stayed for their latest family vacation which was fitting because the only Bravo cast who could possibly whoop it up on the same level of those Guidos are this group of Persians. Planet Hollywood is getting advertising on every reality TV show front. Mike whispered in Reza’s ear that Morgan broke up with him and I don’t think the makeup obsessed cast member gives a fuck. She had the personality of a carrot and it’s Mike’s nature to eat any and all THOT ass he can get his hands on, so I’m not surprised in the slightest about this split and the only person who is sad about it is Reza for reality TV reasons.

After Mike issued the group with an Oprah inspired “WE’RE ALL GONNA GET FUCKED UP” and season one Sammy, his lisp and the Gay Persian Santa from a few weeks ago showed up in Vegas, the gang went down to the pool which was full of Mike’s favourite things: shots and THOTS. MJ got glammed up by her budget Erika Jayne squad but Mike is really the one who needs a team of gays helping him with his makeup because he looks rougher than a five-year-old girl who plays dress up with their mom’s makeup palette. Maybe without Morgan and her makeup lying around Mike’s house he’ll resist the urge to attempt to look like Kim Kardashian.

While looking like a prostitute crossed between a cupcake and a Baywatch actress, MJ lounged by the pool with her ass on full display while she had a chat with Nema where he had to keep reminding her she’ll only have one dick for the rest of her life. Is destroying his own relationship through reality TV not enough for him? MJ said she’ll cheat on Tommy if he doesn’t supply her with the amount of penis she needs. Has she never heard of a vibrator? MJ claimed they used to have sex five or six times a day and are now only down to two times a week. I think twice a week is good in itself, wasn’t her vagina sore after going five rounds in the space of 24 hours and how does Tommy have enough cum to keep up? Don’t they have jobs? I have so many questions but of course Nema didn’t focus on the important topic. MJ has been cheated on before and I 100% don’t believe she would ever do that to Tommy but a good old threat never hurt anyone. Or did it? I wouldn’t want to be Tommy and his ringless finger watching this episode.

Following the Persians acting like fratboys by the pool, they went back upstairs to get ready for dinner and there was A LOT of shirtless Shervin, I’m even digging his back hair. Reza pulled into Shervin’s room and said they need to talk to Mike about breaking up with Morgan. No they don’t. That isn’t necessary, that isn’t Kosher and it’s not needed especially given the fact this group goes through about three vodka bottles an hour. Who gives a fuck about Morgan? She wasn’t exciting when she was on the show so how is she supposed to be exciting as a ghost of Mike’s past? I don’t even think Mike cared about Morgan as much as Reza and the rest of the gang are pretending to.

At dinner, GG was also mad at Mike, this time for being close with Shalom. I’m confused why Mike is friends with her ex, can he not find any other Persian Jews to befriend in LA. Shalom only wants Golnesa for a green card but this isn’t 90 Day Fiance, it’s Shahs Of Sunset so this guy once again has the wrong reality show. Given the fact that he’s gone through several reality show girlfriends you would think he’d go on the one show that could get him to stay in the country, but obviously he’s not that smart. Mike and Golnesa resolved their non-issue and she is still keeping the ring, which I love. All she got out of that marriage was bad memories and a shit tonne of legal fees, she deserves to at least get a ring out of the mess.

After GG was done, MJ stacked onto Mike about the whole Morgan issue. Who gives a fuck about Morgan? Why would he need to introduce his parents to a girl who he just started dating? I’m confused. I’m not on Mike’s side often but when I am things must be fucked up. MJ wasn’t mad about Morgan specifically, she was mad at Persian Jewish men in general for fuckingover non-Jewish women. This is really a public service announcement on MJ’s behalf and I am here for it, Mike can’t keep dating girls with differing nationalities and get their hopes up when he has no intention of staying with them long term. Instead of having an open conversation Mike and his makeup palette acted like an asshole and said MJ slept with half the city. What is wrong with sleeping with half the city? I’m confused, if you want to go out and sit on multiple peoples faces then more power to you and Mike is DEFINITELY not the cast member to talk about anyone’s whoring ways, he just needs to sit down in the corner and try to make some kind of expressions in his face. Then Shervin stepped in shit when he brought up how Reza and his moustache less face told him that Morgan was moving out which triggered Mike because he trusted Reza with the secret. He also said it in front of Bravo cameras so how did he not expect this to be a topic of conversation, whether Reza brought it up or not Mike can’t hide from talking about little miss fivehead moving out. I don’t know if Mike knows that he’s on a reality show but he never really wants to share what’s really going on his life and sure, it may be hard but don’t sign a Bravo contract if you don’t want to be as transparent as an albino in the sun. We all learnt that lesson from Asa. Somehow Mike brought up his house as leverage against Reza which made him go crazy because he guess helped him with the house and Mike didn’t offer him a massage? Reza and Mike fights are the dumbest fights ever, they are always just a pissy match between the two alpha dogs and although Reza is right 95% of the time, I just don’t give a shit. Mike stormed off in a coked up rage and is literally the Ronnie Ortiz-Magro of this show. Instead of staying stormed off, he came back after the producers probably forced him to and somehow the night ended on a positive note even though Mike called MJ a whore only minutes before. I was here for the drama but Mike Shouhed just sucks as a human being: hence this week’s shade. After the weird end to the dinner, the crew went to the club and it just made me sad watching a group of people pushing fifty trying to get turnt in a club. While Mike and Shervin looked for bitches to fuck, Nema also tried but come on, it’s Nema, MJ called it an early night with her budget Erika Jayne squad and tried to sneak into Reza’s room. His room was in her suite so I’m confused why there was a security guard standing outside it and if there was producer and a camera crew around her, why would it NOT be her room? That security guard was a major party pooper but we don’t have Asa this season so I guess we needed one. The night ended with MJ and her titties dancing on a table trying to set a better example for future bachelorettes everywhere.