Shahs Of Sunset Recap: Persian New Year

We are up to our annual episode of Nowruz which is Persian New Year. It's supposed to be very spiritual, make the Shahs reflect on their past year and try to have a better future but seven years later and everyone is still drunk fighting. In honour of this tradition, Golnesa decided to reflect on her past marriage and get her wedding ring appraised. People are giving GG shit for keeping her wedding ring but why not? All she got from that relationship was a shit tonne of legal fees, bad memories and a green card grabbing husband, she may as well get a $165,000 ring out of it. She doesn't have to wear it all the time but she can make it into a cute pair of earrings or something. A true Persian knows you never give back a diamond.

Every season we see the Shahs celebrate a day which I can't pronounce or type but it starts with a C and sounds very Persian. I'm not really sure what the point is or why they do it but they jump over fire and chant in Farsi which is always fun to see. Everybody in this cast grew up in very Persian families and spoke Farsi, except for Nema and his potentially incestual sister who are as whitewashed as they come. Apart from Nema looking anemic he has no middle eastern traditions and was a dud to cast.

I don't believe the Shahs didn't at least have one existing Persian friend who was more interesting than Nema and Shervin must be PISSED he lost his full-time check due to a twink that's lodged in GG's rectum. Is it just me that gets wet every time Shervin and his swerving ways are on screen? I know he's a cheater and a douchebag but his new bad boy vibe gets me wetter than any Wet N' Wild ride. Now that GG's single can't they just fuck? Their babies would be hot little Persians if you factor out their original noses of course, and couldn't they arrange some kind of Porsha Williams-esque baby nup?

Speaking of babies, Adam and his mousy voice still want one. I don't know how many times I can threaten to kill myself before he stops talking about that fucking baby but I'm almost on the edge. Right now they don't even have an egg but Adam and his mental uterus are ovulating 24/7, does it annoy anyone else how a teenage whore on spring break can get pregnant from an expired condom for free but gays who really want children have to spend thousands of dollars? I mean, I guess that's why we have adoption but even that system is fucked unless your Angelina Jolie or Madonna who can fund an African village. Reza and his moustache-less face had to drop the bomb that he had spent $500K on his new hair care line which may not even make a return. Let's hope people want to wash their hair with gold and champagne because he is going to have to sell a shit tonne of shampoo to get a baby.

Was it shitty and wrong of Reza to spend half a million dollars on a company without Adam? 100%. Is Adam justified to be pissed? Fuck yes but I just don't care. Much like a fern tree, Adam's emotions and feelings are invalid to me and even if he has a reason to be pissed at his husband, he's still an annoying B character who gets way too much screen time. In the six seasons we've known Adam I don't know if I've gone through a scene of watching him without wanting to slit my wrists from the whiny sound of his voice. His vocal cords aren't even the problem, his overall personality and need to bitch about everything is just redundant.

You are a main cast members husband, sit down, shut the fuck and don't speak unless spoken to. Unless you are Tommy, I don't care about the significant others on this show and Adam loses even more points from being the only person on this show dumb enough to still be friends with Asa and her diamond water ways. Adam is literally an eye roll of a human being and Reza should've filed for divorce when he broke that fucking emerald.

This episode was very deep and raw with everyone talking about the pain their families have experienced from the Iranian revolution and the fuckery that goes on between Iran and America which is why this show is still so good after 7 seasons. They combine deep, rich, emotional history about war-torn families and an oppressive government with getting drunk in Vegas and blacking out. Like MJ and Tommy's relationship it shouldn't mix but it does. Although these kind of episodes are interesting and meaningful, they don't really give us a lot of content and I can't throw any snark or shade at anyone's pain, except for Nema because he is duller than a blunt knife. I don't know if we've ever met anyone as unworthy and boring to be on a reality show as Nema Smith Vand. I don't know if Smith is his middle name but it sounds white enough.

Along with the fire jumping, the Shahs also continued their tradition of Nowruz which is Persian New Year. As much as I like gold and excess amounts of food I'm not Persian but from the education, I received from this reality show I know you need seven things in the corner of the room and you get drunk. See, whoever said you can't learn from a reality show? There seems to be a divide between the cast. Reza, MJ and Mike all did Nowruz together while GG and the add-ons celebrated at her place. Is there an unspoken beef we don't know about or can Reza not fit more than five people in his shoebox apartment?

Mike decided not to invite his latest Kardashian wannabe to Nowruz which is totally reasonable, unlike his makeup and botox obsession. He wasn't as bad this week with the foundation but can't someone help him out? If Mike introduced his mom to every bimbo with Kylie Jenner lips and Kardashian asses then he wouldn't have enough time left in the day to apply his makeup and pretend to work. Sue doesn't need her time wasted meeting Morgan who will probably be gone before this season is done. We don't need another Jessica on our hands because she was a meek little caterpillar and turned into a butterfly with a wedding ring a plan. Even Mike knows Morgan isn't going to last, she has the personality of an apple but she's still able to be the subservient girlfriend who will make his dinner and suck his dool on command.

To end Nowruz, the OGs ate dinner at Sue's house while GG and the cling-ons danced around with a Gay Persian Santa to celebrate the New Year which seemed like a lot more fun than being critiqued by Vida. This episode was a nothing burger and next week doesn't seem that entertaining either with Destiney crying about her dad but I'm just hanging on for MJ's bachelorette party because if there's one group of Bravolebrities who can whoop it up like the alcoholics in training they are, it's the Shahs.

Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!