KUWTK Recap: Family Klusterfuck
Even though we only went a week without Keeping Up it felt like an eternity and it's hard to get back into the Kardashian groove of things. The family were fresh from celebrating Christmas and New Years and the only thing it reminded me of was that we still have MONTHS until we get to the Tristan drama, it might not even air this year and we are still expected to care about Tristan sticking it in every THOT this side of the Mississippi after these holidays? I could be dead by the other side of the holidays. What if we have a nuclear apocalypse, they want us to die without seeing it?
I don't know if I have enough reality TV fucks to give because all my attention is being given to the wonders of Bravo and the mess that is Jersey Shore, so I don't know if I'll care about a cheating scandal almost a year after it happened. Fuck, Kris Jenner needs to edit out a few of those redundant pointless episodes and fast forward to the juicy goodness of Tristan spreading his seed while he was already growing a baby inside his live-in girlfriend.
As per usual, this episode consisted of one meaningful storyline and two campy sub-storylines which pop into your mind at random intervals for no reason. This week the producers decided to tackle Kim's selfie addiction, not by admitting her to rehab or making her join a Selfie Anonymous group. No, no, she had to go to the doctor because her wrist hurt from the number of selfies she takes. What the actual fuck. This show is a snake that's eating itself. Instead of buying a selfie stick or simply posing for a picture the good old fashion way, Kim made the poor producer take the photo while she held her own arm in the air, giving it the illusion she was taking the selfie herself. Are people going to care that much if her Instagram lives aren't in selfie form?
She went to the doctor and had exercises to do for her KKW syndrome. Is this going to be an epidemic across America? A bunch of bitches with blown up lips and caked on contour going to the doctor to try and cure their pain which a selfie caused, this is why the world is slowly eroding from the inside out. I understand Kim has to make her money somehow but why was this a necessary storyline to sit through? Next time the producers think of a faux storyline they should find one which doesn't make viewers want to jump into ongoing traffic and one which doesn't inconvenience Paxy who had to take the fake photos. Poor Paxy, she's the real survivor of this episode.
Apart from Kim's vain injury Kourtney was mad at Scott for introducing their children to his barely legal boo Sofia, but in his defence, they probably go to the same school so they were bound to run into each other. Sure age is just a number but when your child is closer in age with the person you are inside every night, then there's a problem. Can you imagine having a stepmom that you can share juice boxes and play at the park with? That actually may be the best thing ever because it's kind of like those three kids got a fourth sibling, who just happens to also be fucking their dad. Wow, it's weird when you put it in perspective.
Even though Kourtney's barely legal boo, who was also friends with Scott's barely legal boo before they became the respective barely legal boos of Kourtney and Scott, had already met their children Kourtney still got mad at Scott for letting his girlfriend meet their kids. If one barely legal boo can meet the kids then both can. I understand Kourtney had some plan in place with her therapist to meet the kids after the holidays but he stuck by that plan, the only place Scott fucked up was not telling her they were going to meet but if he did that she would've said no. Most of the Kourtney and Scott drama happened on either side of their several therapist sessions. Can we see what the fuck goes down in those sessions instead of seeing Kourtney recall the stories for her sisters, I think we deserve to meet the therapist who hates this entire family.
Like every week, they got over their issues and Kourtney was okay with their new arrangements. I think the feud had nothing to do with the kids meeting someone in their age range and everything to do with the fact she had to reconcile Scott had moved on when I don't think she thought he ever would. Everything was fun for Kourtney when she was bouncing on a 24-year-old's dick in Egypt with Scott in her back pocket in case she wanted another kid or a storyline for her reality show but as soon as she found out the kids met his girlfriend it symbolised he really did move on.
The final storyline of the episode was the family going on Family Feud. Kim and Kanye pretended like they were obsessed with Family Feud and decided to go on the celebrity edition after they failed miserably years ago. The 2008 flashback of the Kardashians and Bruce (RIP) on Family Feud the first time was easily better than anything we've seen this season. The biggest plot hole of this storyline was the idea Kimye sit down and watch Family Feud every night let alone the fact that they have a TV. Can you imagine them sitting down to watch TV as a family in their white clinical home? No way. Maybe they watch it on their iPhones in other rooms but the Wests are not a TV kind of family.
The Hiltons were originally supposed to be the opposing team which could've possibly been the best thing to ever happen. Can you imagine how iconic that would've been if it was 2008? Paris, Nicki, Kathy and potentially Kyle Richards depending on if Kathy was mad at her for speaking that week. Instead, the Hiltons pulled out and instead of doing the next logical thing and asking the Lohans to step in because you KNOW they need any coin they can get, they decided to comprise the other team of Kanye's family and have the Kardashians vs the Wests. No offence to Kanye's family because I'm sure they are good people but that is probably the least thrilling family they could've gone up against.
As a result of this klusterfuck of an idea and Kourtney, Kylie and Rob refusing to join in, Kim had to reach inside her ass and pull Jonathan out to join the team. Why the fuck would a Kardashian team have fucking Jonathan on it? Do they not understand the concept of FAMILY Feud? This family has more members than a mob syndicate and they can't find any recruits? They couldn't ask Caitlyn, Corey, Scott, Blac Chyna, Sofia or even Tristan? He was probably in a bitch as they were taping. Jonathan can get as much botox as he wants but he's as Kardashian as Scott is sober.
At the last minute, their grandma MJ decided to join the team but couldn't because Jonathan had already taken her place and flew all the way from Miami to be on camera. Jonathan and his new face would fly all the way from Antarctica if it meant he could breathe the same air as Kim and being backstage should've been enough. No one actually wanted him on their team, for obvious reasons, and ultimately Steve Harvey had to step in to say MJ and Kris could play as one person. Ugh. In the end, after Kim created all the Jonathan drama and "trained" to be on the show, the KARDASHIAN team ended up winning which took the smile of Kanye's face once and for all.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians airs Sundays at 9/8c on E! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first family of reality TV.
