RHONY Reunion Recap: Gang Bang

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I love reunions but I hate recapping them. By this point of the season, the women have watched everything back and they are firmly on their own couches and there’s hardly ever any change, so it's hard to discuss the events of an episode when it's just the women throwing petty jabs at each other. That being said this was may be one of the best reunions we’ve seen because these New York women can create epic reality TV in their sleep, literally, remember when Ramona fell asleep AT THE REUNION? The lines have firmly been drawn in the sand between Bethenny and every other person with a vagina on those couches, except Sonja but who else is she going to defend?

After the whole production had to be halted so Ramona's Mariah Carey good side could show, it was announced that obviously, Countess Luann decided not to attend due to her latest Betty Ford visit. The New York Housewives may have lost a cast member but they made up for it with the addition of their seventh cast member: Andy Cohen. Normally he’s a mediator but at this reunion, he’s an active participant, he had more camera time and was more involved in the drama than Tinsley, who was sitting on the end who only had her new haircut to use as a talking point. These women are dealing with alcoholism, betrayal, death and the only thing Mugshot Mortimer had to contribute was her lost hair? It's not even that I don't like Tinsley but she just doesn't deserve to be on this cast of Housewives professionals. I seriously forget she was there, I don't know if I've even seen a Housewife do less on a show than Tinsley has done, however, I guess Andy is gunning to grab her apple.

He was rimming Bethenny more than he's rimmed anyone before (on and off camera) and I could literally see the Skinnygirl branded shit forming around his lips. What does she have over him that he needs to be that far up her as? He claims to be real friends with Carole but when her phone went off during his eulogy to Luann you could see it in his eyes she wouldn't be back. Bethenny's only supporters during this reunion were Sonja and Andy, she doesn't even have Kevin waiting in the car anymore. Ramona, Dorinda and Carole obviously went into this reunion with a plan because they are all pissed at Bethenny, she couldn't finish a sentence without them jumping on her for lying and screaming simultaneously as if it were the season four reunion, which caused Andy to continuously reprimand them so his star pupil could finish her Skinnygirl spin on whatever issue they were discussing at the time.

Bethenny has a tendency to take over hosting duties and run the reunion which Andy allows her to do while he hangs out in her skinny asshole and observes her hypocritically going after the other women and then yelling at them when they call her out. The group discussed Bobby Zarin's funeral but not in a sad memorable way, in a "Bethenny is a cunt" way. She spoke about talking to Jill inside the funeral and then claimed she felt like she needed to see her again outside. Does she really think we are that dumb? She spoke to her outside because she wanted it to be documented on camera, it's not shade, it's a fact. When the girls tried to call her out on being a fame whore and only reconnecting with Jill ON CAMERA, Andy, of course, defended her saying it was good she spoke to Jill in front of Bravo lenses because he wanted to see it. Every Bravo fan wanted to see this reconciliation and I'm glad we did, however, our vested interest in their friendship doesn't overrule the fact that Bethenny has obvious fame whoring ways. It's fitting they reconnected because she has literally become the Jill Zarin of season three.

Following the women communally jumping on Bethenny harder than a fat kid jumps on a waterbed, it became pretty obvious why they are so upset. Throughout the years' everyone on those couches has all participated in eating the dingleberries out of Bethenny's asshole, they genuinely care about her but as she stated numerous times she doesn't give a fuck about them which hurt their feelings. I think their love paired with her zero fucks attitude made them realise they were filming "The Bethenny Show" and not "The Real Housewives of New York" so they came together as a collective group to all go against the literal Queen B and it worked, Bethenny was like a pornstar in a gang bang video because she was getting pounded on all ends without any relief, now that is a crisis.

It doesn't matter if the issue is about the dumb nutcracker or Bethenny not supporting Ramona's faux skincare line it's deeper than that, it's how she's the Queen of the show, gets the best edit, the most camera, the most money and treats the rest of them like shit so I don't view it as a gang up on Bethenny, I view it as more like a revolution because the villagers are taking their Queen down. The Ramona/Bethenny divide is confusing to me. Bethenny doesn't like Ramona but she uses "you've been nothing but terrible to me" as an excuse. Yes, Ramona and her Singer Stinger have been an absolute cunt in the past but she's also helped B when she was bleeding out, cried together on vacation and had genuinely funny moments together, so for Bethenny to categorise their whole relationship as bad says more about her then Ramona because in her confessionals this season alone Bethenny has talked more shit about Ramona than the Singer Stinger has ever said to her face.

My understanding of an alcoholic is someone who is addicted to alcohol and that is not Dorinda. I don’t see her waking up in her Upper East Side apartment and cracking open a bottle of red and yelling at her cat, however, you can’t deny she has a problem when she drinks. That doesn’t mean she’s an alcoholic it just means she has aggression attached to her drinking, which doesn’t constitute an alcoholic. But as soon as Dorinda hears “drinking problem” she immediately puts her back up because she doesn’t want to be labelled and goes on the defence which limits her from actually opening up and targeting her problem with booze. It doesn't help that Luann is a recovering addict which just gives Dorinda another avenue to misdirect her anger at. Bethenny also dodging the answer of whether or not Dorinda is a drunk or has a drinking problem was also problematic because she literally said those words numerous times during the season behind her back but then wealsed out of it during the reunion and Andy didn't even call her on it. It's more maddening the fact Tinsley was getting paid to sit there and (literally) do nothing.

I mean this in the least cunty way but Dennis' death (RIP) is probably the bridge which can reconnect Bethenny with the group or at least allow the producers to scalp a fake reconnection around it because this reunion was darker and deeper than Oprah's vagina and without the death I don't know it wouldn've made sense for Bethenny to come back.

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesday at 8/7c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the big apple ladies!