RHOD Recap: Mother Fucker

These episodes of Dallas move so quickly and always leave me wanting more, I don't know if I should thank God, Andy Cohen, LeeAnne Locken's extensions or her exhausted panty liner because this season is fucking thrilling. It really is Netflix quality where they need to stream the entire season at once because it's beyond binge-worthy. It confuses me how Housewives loyalists can sit through season upon season about people fighting about glasses and underwear on Beverly Hills but Dallas is the show which is lacking viewers even they are delivering more reality TV greatness than the Octomon delivered children. If Dallas goes the way of Miami but Beverly Hills and Jersey continue to get renewed then there really is no justice in this world.

We began with Rich sharting after the fake wedding surprise before D'Andra and Jeremy took the spotlight off him and onto celebrating their hot and horny relationship. I don't know if I've ever seen one-anniversary speech revolve around a couple's sex life while they are in a room of relatives and even their children but Jeremy definitely wants us to know they are the bunnies of Texas, which I believe because Mr Military can get it. Over at the LGBT table with the Erika Jayne of Dallas, LeeAnne Locken, she was opening up with Stephanie.

These two have been indirect enemies for the entire course of the show so it was genuinely heartwarming and intriguing to see them not only get drunk together but bond over their past depression issues, everyone knows LeeAnne's past has been rougher than a brick wall but the fact that the Bambi of this show had also tried to commit suicide in the past really opened my eyes, although it confused me at the same time because she said she gets depressed when she drinks wine but isn't this the world's biggest lover of Jesus Juice?

From looking at Stephanie you would never think she would've dealt with this, she's always played the role of Brandi's light, lovable sidekick but this season we are seeing the different dimensions of her which involves her history. As much as I know sharing personal information with another reality star can totally back fire in your face from my 18996 hours of reality TV viewing, I think their histories really cemented a bond between these two and I didn't know the LeeAnne/Stephanie alliance was something I wanted and needed in my life but I'm kind of obsessed.

Between Rich getting ready to shit himself and LeeAnne & Stephanie somehow becoming besties, Brandi also decided to show up to the party she had already declined. Obviously, there was a producer right in Brandi's ear because she put heels on, did her hair and went over to the anniversary party for literally the last five minutes of the night. Was there really a point of Brandi crashing the party if she wasn't going to eat and or cause any drama? She told D'Andra she didn't want to talk about their issues and just have a good time but only Brandi knows what the issues are. Just as Steph judged LeeAnne because she was friends with Brandi, I think Brandi judged D'Andra because she came in as LeeAnne's bestie.

They weren't close last season and Brandi probably wanted to go into this season with some kind of drama to make her relevant so she decided to get mad at D'Andra over two insignificant stupid comments and run with them. If she was so pissed about the squinty eye comment why not bring it up with the reunion? And instead of trolling the blogs to find how many articles were written about the Adderall comment, why didn't she just download the podcast and listen for herself because I did and she never directly said anything about Brandi and was joking about Dallas as a place. Even though I'm #BlockedByBrandi for unknown reasons I want to like her but her dumb excuses for feuds make it so hard. After she had been at the party for all of fives minutes, all the other ladies got shit faced and Stephanie tried to straddle a lion statute like was a male stripper working at The Roundup, but fell off and ended the night with a fun drunk memory.

The thing that makes this show so great is how we can go from one scene full of drunk antics to a deep, dark and thoroughly entertaining scene with D'Andra and Mama Dee which explores their tumultuous relationship. Holy shit, Bravo really hit a gold mine when they found this mother-daughter clusterfuck. After avoiding each other around their office for months, the show started taping and D'Andra decided she needed to talk to her mother about using a soft pouch for a product which Mama Dee shut down in 1.8 seconds. The soft pouch is kind of a metaphor for their relationship, D'Andra tries to excel or use some kind of power she has at the company but is always overruled by her mom even though she's supposed to be the boss. D'Andra is one of my favourites but I am mesmerised by Mama Dee and her blue eyeshadow.

I can't pick sides between this mother daughter duo, even though I feel for D'Andra, so here's what I learned from this dynamic exchange:

- S is for Simmons not Stupid

- Mother and daughters are jealous of each other, especially if they're good looking

- Mama Dee is a Queen

- They're both popular

- I may be a sadist because I enjoyed their fight so much

In the end, Dee dismissed her daughter saying she doesn't want to talk to her anymore and their relationship is still in trouble. Obviously, how Mama Dee acted was condescending and rude but I need more of this Texas businesswoman, her finger pointing and cunty attitude in my life, and I mean that in the best Erika Jayne way possible. Can she please come to the reunions or have her own People Couch's show? Maybe her own Judge Judy style spinoff because if she can talk to her own daughter like that imagine the wonders her finger pointing and eyeshadow could do in a faux court of law. Or maybe even a The Real Mothers of Bravo starring her Mama Elsa, Mama Joyce, Vida, Patricia, Marge Sr and any other sassy opinionated Bravo mothers. I'm salivating thinking about it. Dee doesn't hold a star because she is the star.

To end the episode we had Brandi's adopted baby's surprise coming out party at Stephanie's new house which is now sans indoor pool. The Redmonds are basically the redheaded Texan answer to the Kardashians except they all have B names instead of Ks (Brandi, Bryan, Brinkley, Brooklyn & Bruin). The baby's super cute and I'm thrilled about the storyline but I was even happier about Stephanie's subtle prank on Kam and her pink brain figuring out the "surprise" reason for the party was actually about Brandi having a baby.

She's not that smart and I'm certain a producer whispered it in her ear three minutes before the cameras went up but Kameron labelled herself the Blonde Detective which sounds like a cheap made-for-TV sequel of Legally Blonde but instead of Steph giving the surprise away she told Kam the surprise was for her surrogate and got the rest of the party to play along. Kameron looks like a stork who delivers babies so I'm surprised Brandi didn't capitalise on that and get her to fly in with pink wings and hand her the baby. Instead, the producers missed this perfect opportunity to exploit Kam's tall, lean body structure and just had the redheaded Kardashians walk down the stars with their newborn baby while Elle Woods stood their pissed about being lied to by Steph and probably about the stork thing too.

The Real Housewives of Dallas airs Wednesday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the lone star ladies.