RHOC Recap: National Blowjob Day
This season of OC has been lukewarm at best. The Mexico drunkness was hilarious and Vicki's girl code violation has been driving the plot for most of the season but apart from that nothing has really happened. I love the new girls and the core four are all stars in their own right so this season should be one of the best but it's taken longer to get started than a fucked up car from the 80s that a teenager has spent all their savings on from their endless shifts at McDonald's, but surely no children in Orange County will ever know that struggle.
I'm not even sure why this season isn't good because the cast is amazing, we've had a cast trip, a conflict and numerous group scenes together but it just seems like everyone is passing the time because they know they have to film together. Gina and Emily don't seem to have any genuine relationship with any of the ladies but they all continue to grab dinner together and have small talk. I want this season to work out more than Tristan Thompson wants to fuck anything that isn't Khloe Kardashian because OC is the mother of the Housewives empire and I don't know if I can take another cast shakeup. I know this season isn't Peggy Sulahian bad but it isn't Miss Roper good either. However, all the shit talking in this episode provided me with hope because it has to get back to Emily at some point.
We started with Shannon in the middle of her QVC photoshoot which of course sparked her weight insecurity. Shannon may be the only size eight in Orange County but that's okay, she looks healthy and better than she has before, everyone has weight problems but I'm sure there's a line of guys who can afford her lifestyle and would love to see her naked, not everyone can look like Tamra Judge and live off a diet of lettuce and cardboard in their fifties. Along with her weight, Shannon was also nervous because it's her first ever photo shoot? Really Shannon? What about the numerous ones you've done for this show every year, I'm assuming Shannon doesn't just take a selfie and send it over to the producers to use for press. I love Shannon and her QVC fish, but she's not fooling anyone.
After the shoot Kelly, Tamra and Emily stopped by and coincidentally it was National Blowjob and Snake Day, but the two go hand in hand. Out of the six women on this show I'm sure four of them would've celebrated the annual holiday because Vicki loves sex, the Mormon probably wants a blowjob when we want one (unless oral sex is against the Mormon code of conduct), if the Milkman, his Mexican food fetish, muscly legs and short shorts were in OC on the given day I'm sure Kelly obliged and Eddie should be getting some extra attention because of his broken heart but he can't get his heart rate up too high, so I'm on the fence about that one. Aside from those OC couples and whichever flavour of the week Gina's husband is with in his LA apartment on that particular day, I don't think anyone else honoured the holiday.
After Shannon and Kelly got rid of their controlling husbands the show obviously became void of the Simon Barney, David Beador, Jim Bellino and Brooks Ayers types so naturally, the producers have cast Emily's Mormon husband Shane in that role, I just guess this show can't function without one of the women having an oppressive husband, the ladies shitting on someone else's marriage every year and comparing their husband to their shitty exes until she gets a divorce and becomes a second phase liberated Housewife. As entertaining as it is to watch we really need a spin-off show called "The Real Cunts of Orange County," with Simon, David, Jim, Brooks, Slade and Michael can be a friend of because he's not that memorable anyway. The Cunts can hold literal shit instead of oranges and sit around acting like the controlling, misogynistic assholes they are and let the world ridicule them for it like how they ridiculed their ex-wives for having a good time with their friends instead of being their slave.
I like Emily but her marriage is questionable at best. Obviously, through the magic of editing we only see him yelling at Gina and talking about his hatred of old cackling women when he may actually be nice, who knows, but being a Mormon he's already predisposed to being a stick in the mud. If he can't gamble, swear, drink, smoke, watch porn, drink coffee or gave a little gay sex from time to time then it would be weird if he was happy, no wonder he's angry. Fresh off the heels of the rumours about Eddie I don't want to accuse anyone of being anything but if he's Mormon, she wanted a baby and they got married after a message on Google Chat then there's definitely something else there, but the lack of tobacco and coffee make his teeth super white, so there's one positive from being a Mormon. Also, major side note: if his family is Mormon, why did they participate in a poker night for Emily's first televised party on the show?
The dumb fight between Emily and Gina is still going because both the Mormon and Gina believe the other owes them an apology after Tamra and her meddling ways really got this beef started and that's not shade to Tamra Judge in any way because without her mouth spreading (semi) accurate information through the group nothing would happen on this show. Tamra's mouth is a guiding light for this show. This is just an awkward weird fight, he yelled at her from downstairs off camera so there's major questionable doubt surrounding what really happened but Emily is trying to pass it off as a funny "haha, my husband kicked her out lol" while Gina spilled the tea that Emily actually apologised for the Mormon being a dick but is now covering for him on TV. This feud is dumb, he was an asshole, Gina was tipsy and I'm not sure why this non-issue is still being talked about so much. Emily shouldn't have to have her first beef be about her covering for her annoying husband's behaviour.
Speaking of controlling husbands, Shannon went to court where David was ordered to pay her $30,000 a month but after he accosted her in the court hallway she got it lowered to $22,500. Even after their break up she's still trying to make him happy following him literally verbally abusing her. Yes, $30,000 every month is a shit tonne of money but the judge obviously has been watching RHOC for years and saw how hard Shannon tried to stay together and how to mean David was to her, but like Shannon's tagline stated: karma's a bitch, so I don't to be one, and that has never been truer. Karma is biting David and his beady eyes right in the ass!
I'm just happy she has opened her eyes to who David is as a human being and is no longer trying to save their marriage or make excuses for his disgusting ways and those Jeff Lewis texts explain exactly who he is. It's fitting this episode was filmed on National Blowjob Day because David is a blowjob of a human being and not in an orgasmic way, in a choking, gagging, I just want to sleep/want a new purse way. As much as this show wants to promote everyone's shitty relationships from Shannon's horrible divorce, Gina's MIA husband and the controlling Mormon, at least Kelly is having fun with the Milkman who delivers her more than one kind of white beverage.
The Real Housewives of Orange County airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the first ladies of Bravo!
