Shahs Of Sunset Premiere Recap: Big Bear Bunch
After binge-watching Shahs for the better part of my holidays, I've been counting down the days for these alcoholic Persians to return to my screen. And I don't mean alcoholics as shade because I aspire to one day be one. There's something so light and fun about this group with their constant drinking and sex-crazed ways (my kind of people) but they mirror all their crazy antics with their deep-seated family histories, religious tensions and relationship struggles. It's so compelling and juicy to watch it just may have become my new favourite Bravo based show.
We picked up this season with a party bus and a cast trip within the first second. New Jersey and Beverly Hills Housewives have participated in this premiere vacation trend, but they at least had scenes to make it appear they had a reason to go. Not with these Persians. They just packed their ski shit, rented a party bus and got their Ghormeh sabzi loving asses up to Big Bear without any questions asked, one on hand I loved how they jumped right into this season straight away but on the other, it also made me feel like I had missed an episode. Reza, MJ, Mike, GG and Destiney all rode up to Big Bear together and immediately addressed the elephant in the room, or the elephant not in the room, Asa. After having a Jackson baby, refusing to reveal anything about her life and being on the outs with every member of the cast, Asa left the show as a full-time cast member and it seems like everybody is pretty happy about it. Not to beat a dead horse, but you should only sign a Bravo contract if you are willing and able to show every facet of your life and that wasn't the case for Little Miss Kaftan. Bye Asa!
Speaking of changes in the group, Reza is sans moustache and about 40 pounds lighter, Golnesa has a new short curly do, MJ maybe went a bit too far with the fillers but she's my favourite so she can do whatever the fuck she likes, Mike needs to do a tutorial on applying makeup and Botox because he is looking like a 13-year-old girl who's running wild with her mom's foundation right now and Destiney is more or the less the same. I like Destiney and she had a bright, kick-ass personality last season so good for her that she's cashing those full-time Bravo checks this season.
Following a car ride full of everyone laughing at Mike's ego, GG pissing on the side of the road and a champagne pop, the boozy bunch arrived at their cabin which was a nice, cozy mansion that "Reza" found for the group. They had a feast at the hands of a rented chef and the producers definitely want us to notice how much these Persians can eat. Every time food is on the table, they zoom in, make sure we can hear the crunching sounds and never edit out a big Shahs order. At least we know some people in LA actually consume food. Reza & MJ shared a bed which wasn't weird because they're best friends (and he likes dick) but of course they managed to throw in the "he's been inside her" throwback. Mercedes finally admitted to maybe having an extra slice of Reza's creampie after they had a shower together in their joint Kardashian-style interview which I love. Joint confessionals are the best confessionals. However, after a day of travel and eating, the gang all had an early night without any bottle popping.
The next morning we were introduced to the newbies, after running Sammy, Lilly, Asifa, Asa and partially Shervin out of their friendship group the Shahs got two new cast members to play with: Nema and Mona. They're siblings who don't speak a word of Farsi but lived in Iran until they were ten, then lived on separate coasts in America due to having divorced parents. It's weird and unusual but they're more than making up for it with their Angelina Jolie-esque incest ways. I'm not saying they fuck on the regular Game Of Thrones style (no tea, no shade) but there's definitely an energy the producers and Destiney wanted us to feel anyway. Although they might seem like they want to fuck each other, Mona was brought on to play the role of Mike's botoxed face's love interest and Nema has a hard-on for Golnesa, even though he has a legit serious girlfriend. Oh god, now we've got another Shervin.
GG and Nema were flirting but I don't see it going anywhere, although Golnesa said her type is "healthy and wealthy" it's actually muscly tatted douchebags who she can fuck and fight with before trading him in for another bearded asshole. Obviously, her way of dating hasn't been working so maybe she can find love in the Persian James Dean's skinny pale arms? I don't know. While we are on the topic of Golnesa Gharachedaghi's fucked up love life she gave us an update on her marriage with Shalom confirming they are getting a divorce after their post-reunion reconciliation didn't quite work out, which she explained while a Good Tea headline about her divorce flashed on the screen, so you're welcome Bravo. (There may or may not be more Good Tea moments to come throughout the season, fingers crossed!)
Snow reality trips suck. Watching people ski is boring and no one gets as drunk as they would on a tropical vacation on an island somewhere. However to give us some form of entertainment Reza (the producers) set up a double date between Golnesa, Nema, Mona and Mike which no one actually wanted to go on while Destiney, Reza, MJ and Shervin sat at home. Oh yeah I forgot, Shervin showed up late, put something in a blender and said two words. I like Shervin and he's easily the most fuckable person in this group (and Bravo) with his rugged Middle Eastern douchy swagger but after the cheating stunt he pulled and trying to always look like an amazing person on camera when he's actually doing blow off bitches clits off camera, it didn't win him many fans.
While on the double date, Mona and Mike ended their flirtation because she wants to homeschool her hypothetical kids and make them travel to Europe for culture and Mike and his makeup want a woman who will bow down and suck his dick as soon as he walks in the door, so it's going to be hard to find another submissive Jessica type who's willing to change her whole religion just to get a piece of Mike's Iranian dool. However, Nema and GG actually hit it off and bonded over her idea of finding a guy to sign a contract to have a baby with, which is a low-key copy of Porsha William's baby-nup (I know my Housewives history) but I see where she's coming from. Maybe Nema, his girlfriend and GG can all have a beautiful contracted baby in the future.
To end the episode, Nema led Golnesa out of the house, but still in view of cameras, to ask her out on a date (even though he has a girlfriend) and she said yes (even though he has a girlfriend) before he kept asking her for a kiss. Um, #MeToo? If he just admitted to having a legitimate girlfriend why in the fuck would he be asking GG on a date and try to make out with her in his second time in front of cameras? He fucked over his girlfriend for a spot on a reality TV which is thirsty as fuck but I have to respect the hustle, I can't lie. Is a prerequisite that you have to be a cheater to join the cast of this show because although it's messy and morally corrupt, it's the reason these Persians have lasted seven seasons on reality television.
Shahs Of Sunset airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the flossiest Persians in LA!
