Jersey Shore Finale Recap: Bye Bitches

We finally got to the end of this shore house chapter and the crew came out mostly unscathed. Ronnie may or may not have had his penis in a french chick's mouth while his pregnant cheating THOT girlfriend sat at home, Deena fell over at every chance she could, Snooki spiraled, Vinny tried to save a stripper, Mike got engaged to try and cut some time off his impending sentence, Jenni put everyone in their places, Angelina and her trash bags came back and were rejected once again and Pauly ran around being his usual memeable self. All in all, it was a pretty successful season but little did we know the mother of all fights was going to come out during their last supper.

The Guidos and Guidettes assembled for a final meal prepared by Mike "Funfetti" Sorrentino where they all went around and reminisced about their favourite parts of this vacation, which perfectly allowed the producers to edit in all the best parts of the trip and remind us of the fuckery that we've been watching for the last 13 weeks. Everyone was in high spirits thinking about Vinny in drag and the meatballs getting drunk when Jenni finally got her payback on Mike for saying he wanted to pie her in the face, even though she orchestrated every single part of his engagement. JWOWW perfectly instigated the eventual blow up between Mike and Ron by telling the steaming meatball about how the soon to be incarcerated member of their family said he needs rehab. This whole trip the two frienemies have been taking shitty cheap shots at each other in their mini roast battles but we all knew a bigger explosion was bound to happen - and it did. The real beef wasn't even between Ron and Mike, it was JWOWW getting her epic payback on The Situation being a cunt to her.

Little did we know prior to filming Ronnie called Mike on the phone and floated the idea that he may need rehab and he asked him about it because he is a reformed drug addict. Nothing big. However, The Situation or Snitchuation or Incarceration, depending on where you're from, used that information as ammunition against Ron and exposed him on camera about their private discussion. THAT was why Ronnie exploded. If Mike really cared about helping him and was coming from a place of love then he would have taken Ron aside and spoken to him about it, not talk to everyone in the house about it which is exactly what he did. I'm #TeamRonnie all day every day, especially since he got dragged by a motherfucking car this week. As soon as Jenni finished her thought Ron EXPLODED on Mike more than we've ever seen him explode before. It was like that Instagram live video but times ten. Of course, it was entertaining but you could literally see the pain behind his eyes. He's going through some real shit and he doesn't need a fucking asshole like Mike adding fuel to his already growing fire, because now it's worse than one of those bushfires in California.

For the record, I don't think Ronnie needs rehab. I think he was partying way too hard before his daughter was born and to escape from the fucked up world that is his life. He knocked up a THOT and obviously didn't want her to keep the baby, but she did and know he's rolling around the floor with her on Instagram and literally being dragged through the streets of Vegas. It's even more cringe-worthy watching this season knowing what we know about his relationship that's happened since filming ended because if he thinks his life sucks now on the show, he needs to give it three or four more months to really know what pain is. Side note: when they talk about partying they obviously aren't just talking about alcohol. I don't think Snooki and JWOWW are doing Peru but Ronnie definitely came into the house with an ounce of coke and a few connections in Miami if he ever ran out. Trust and motherfucking believe. Mike is such a little bitch he couldn't even stand up to Ron and ended up weasling his way out of it after their blowup. Ugh. Everyone says the Old Situation is gone but I say that asshole is still alive and well.

After the first ten minutes, the episode went back to its standard format, seeing everyone get drunk. Jenni and Deena went to a drag show and then came back to the house very wasted, which is always great to see. Just coincidentally on their final day in the house, Pauly got a call from his agent about playing that night in the club they've been going to all season. Can you believe it? What are the odds? Such a badly scripted moment that you almost have to applaud their poor acting skills. The reason why you can tell the drama is so real is because all these people are terrible at acting, it's like when the Housewives do those terrible movie commercials for Bravo - THAT'S how you know that a cast is authentic, by their horrible acting!

Anyway, everyone rallied together and Pauly did his thing and DJed the night away when suddenly his stalker popped up out of the blue behind him, which was scary and weird but also completely set up by the producers. If that girl didn't get a call from the producers to head down to Miami with her merc and tattoo then I would be seriously scared for his safety and everyone's in that house, you don't know when a bitch is gonna follow your car, jump the fence and start slicing and dicing. I feel like being a stalker is so 2011, who is dedicating their life and mind to a celebrity these days? Obviously, stalkers aren't right, to begin with, and that's the reason for their obsession but can you imagine being dedicated to one thing day in and day out and have a tattoo to prove it? Fuck, I would get so bored, but I guess that's why I'm not a stage five clinger, maybe a stage two at most on a good day.

Stalkers and their tattoos aside everyone had a great time, ate some crispy turkey bacon the next day in their vacation t-shirts and got the fuck out of Florida and back to their respected towns across America. I would be sad and depressed if this was the end of the chapter which is why I'm fucking thrilled that these crazy assholes got renewed for a second season of this fuckery, however, you could totally see the cast hinting that it wouldn't be full time for the next season and they are only filming together a few days out of a month so that they can see their families more, which I'm okay with. As long as I get to see them drunk and spiralling together I'll be okay and let's not forget, you know, Ron being dragged by his ex with a moving car. IM SO READY FUCKING EXCITED!

Jersey Shore Family Vacation returns in August on MTV. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on all the GTL drama!