Southern Charm Recap: Girl Bye

The main plot point in this episode was Kathryn essentially going missing. Seeing the Pussy Power Pack worry about her was almost like the beginning of a Dateline episode before they play the montage with a creepy voiceover and you find out that they were raped and found in a ditch, luckily the resident redhead of the show didn't endure that same fate but the fact that you have to consider your friend being dead in her apartment from an overdose when she hasn't answered for a few days is an issue.

Obviously, everyone is aware of Kathryn's drug issue because her rehab and custody situation are constant plot points of the show. It makes me so sad to watch her only see her kids every other weekend because she tested positive for drugs when Thomas obviously got someone else to pee in the cup for him and, you know, went to prison for possession of cocaine. Are we all just going to forget that? Anyway, when Kathryn randomly decided not to answer anyone's phone calls or texts everyone immediately went to the conclusion that she was pulling a Whitney Houston which is totally understandable. It's one thing if your friend goes MIA but when you're filming a reality show and they don't show up to film then it's a real issue. After an entire episode of worrying about their friend Naomie & Danni went to knock on her door which she didn't answer, Kathryn lives way out of Charleston so that is a sign of a true friendship that they'd drive into the sticks to ensure she still has a pulse.

After she wouldn't answer the door they got the property manager who had to do a fucking wellness check and saw that Kathryn was in fact alive. I'm sorry but if I wasted gas and valuable time on you and you don't open the door then that's a problem. Kathryn really did revert back to her old ways and concluded that she decided to go off her anti-depressant meds which really fucked with her. I feel like that is the only good reason to be locked in your house with your phone off for an extended period of time as you film your reality show. I completely understand this. Kathryn didn't want a break for her friends and it was nothing personal she just had a mental health episode and probably couldn't be bothered with all the show's bullshit which makes perfect sense, let's just hope we don't have another Dateline inspired search for Kathryn in the future.

In other news, Austen and his girlfriend broke up after he flippantly told her that Chelsea jumped on him when she arrived at his party. Victoria was a pest from day one and now that her blonde locks and shitty attitude are out of the picture Austen and Chelsea are free to rekindle their obvious spark because we all know how they feel about each other. I don't even understand the reasons for their original break up, because he's cheap? Is that it? If you love someone you should be with them and not waste season upon season on reality TV with a will-they-won't-they storyline like their Friends counterparts Ross and Rachel. I'm almost ready for a Southern Charm wedding where one of the ladies, preferably Chelsea or Naomie, crashes their ex's wedding and proclaims their love for them because that's probably the one thing that could ever top Trashley's psychiatric Hilton Head behaviour.

Meanwhile, Craig was tasked with designing a pet pillow for Patrica's line at the start of the season and this is basically the equivalent of LVP giving the Tom's their own restaurant on Vanderpump Rules except that is was a fuck tonne easier and way less complicated. Well, two months have passed since Craig was instructed to make the pillows and the only thing he's done is google some ideas and talk to the geriatric girl at the sewing store who is so down to fuck him. Shady Pat in all her regalness finally called the struggling seamstress to see his designs after he was cutting up his flowers in the kitchen? I don't know. For a whole two hours, Craig kept Patricia waiting at her house while he looked over his designs and the flowers were spread all over the floor of his demolition derby house. What the fuck did he actually do in two months? He had sixty days to complete one or two pillows and he couldn't even do that? Is his new homosexual relationship with Sean really that time-consuming?

Seriously, these are genuine questions what does Craig Conover do all day long, I really want to know. Masturbate and drink, because that's all I'm getting from this show right now. In the two hours that he kept Patricia waiting he tried to edit some kind of Golden Retriever design but ended up just using the clipart pillow design that he found on Google Images. Yes, I'm aware of the level of this mess. He finally arrived at Pat's compound with regifted flowers from his kitchen, his wonky sleeve and a laptop full of terrible designs. After he showed her that he barely even had a design after TWO MONTHS of working on the project she obviously didn't like his basic clipart idea. He could've googled the clipart image on his way over there for all she knows. I like Craig and his messy life but I'm so fucking confused if being a seamstress is his passion then wouldn't he want to make the pillows and not let procrastination take control. Anyway, Pat tabled the designs and ended her business relationship with the wannabe lawyer turned illegitimate seamstress. What do you think is more embarrassing: pretend walking in a law school graduation knowing you wouldn't get a degree or not being able to sew a pillow after two months because Craig has admittedly done both.

Of course, Cameran returned to the group after having her baby but it was pretty underwhelming. As well as hating Thomas and Trashley's souls this season, I'm also waking up to Cam's redundant role on the show. Her husband's rich, she doesn't mingle with the cast and she doesn't even seem like she enjoys being on TV so why the fuck is she signing that Bravo contract? She met up with Shep and Whitney who drank her breast milk, updated us that her vagina is, in fact, okay and finally got a hand massage with the PPP before she went back to her newborn. That was the most action she's had all season and I was still bored. Some people just run their course on reality shows but I feel like Cam never even started. We never saw anything about her relationship, she complained for three seasons about not wanting to have a baby and she's never even had a fight with someone on the show. If these were the Housewives she would've been fired, or even worse, exiled to a friend of position.

We ended with Thomas and Trashley's dysfunctional relationship which is still happening for some reason. The Santa Barbara implant now has a fake sick voice that she's using for attention. I thought Thomas had decided to give her a promise ring but instead gifted her with a strange bracelet that resembled handcuffs which could be a bit of foreshadowing for his future. Maybe he should wear it to prepare. He continued to be a hostage in his relationship but told her that he doesn't like when she's needy which is the understatement of the century. Do you think she thought of England in her head like Pat instructed her to? Ashley is like a bad 90's soap actress with her blown out hair, over-emotional behaviour and obvious stage five clinger mentality. If this were a scripted show, I'd love to see a flashback spinoff of her early gold digging days in Santa Barabara about how she'd meet her clients as their hospice nurse but they'd end up paying for a lot more than a sponge bath. Maybe Bravo can invest in a Kyle Richards style loosely based scripted show about her Santa Barbara days because that would be HOT TV. Who doesn't want to see a show about a gold digging whore, we watch the Housewives, don't we?

Thomas would rather put his hand in a fire pit or a dildo up his ass than spend one more second with his gold-digging boo who is wasting away before our eyes. He isn't in love with Kathryn, you'd have to be an idiot to make that mistake, he just hates Ashley so much that he loves to flirt with his baby mama for attention and to mind fuck her some more. He always wants what he can't have which I think we've more than learned about from all those #MeToo allegations. It's scary and somehow this dysfunctional relationship has become the bread and butter, and unintentional swan song for Thomas' time on the show. Enjoy the last two episodes, people, because it's the last time we'll ever see these two on Bravo again.

Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.