RHOBH Finale Recap: Beverly Bitch
It finally arrived, the final episode of the season and I couldn't be happier. It's no secret that I've been disappointed in the boring nothing burger that we were delivered for the previous 17 episodes and while the finale had it's moments, it was definitely as plain and dull as the rest of the season.
We began with Dorito's swimwear fashion show where all the ladies spent a good portion of the night giving Miss Kemsley a rim job for her high end fashion designs. As much as the accent confused Housewife annoys the fuck out of me, the pieces were actually really good and if I were Lisa Rinna I would want a free one too. All the bathing suits are named after her fellow cast members with the exception of Teddi & Camille, which is shadier than anything that's happened this whole season.
Speaking of Saint Camille Grammer, she got engaged to her silver fox boyfriend David (?) I think that's his name but it could be Buttfuck and I wouldn't know the difference. Has anyone else noticed the common thread of "friend's of" the Housewives shows getting engaged in the last episode of the season? Danielle in Jersey and Eva in Atlanta also announced their engagement in the finale of the last season's of their shows, which is actually a smart move for trying to snag a full time position for the next season with an engagement storyline. Smart thinking ladies, talk about a hustler.
After Dorito's flashy fashion show, the ladies toasted to her success and the drama wasn't far behind. When I say drama I don't mean D-R-A-M-A, I mean petty, over talked about, Beverly Hills drama. Ugh, it's the worst. Kyle was still upset that Dorito accused her of riling up Erika about PantyGate last year. She felt the Beverly Beach designer was trying to put a wedge between her relationship with the Pussy Patter in order to get closer to her. That makes a lot of sense but I don't know if Dorito is that smart, I think she was just trying to throw anything she could to try and come at at Kyle with a very weak comparison of the situation. I'm astounded that Dorito could even remember that far back to PantyGate because we all know her memory isn't her best asset. Maybe it's the bathroom coke?
As per usual, Dorito couldn't own up or admit to any wrong doing and all the other women were acting fake as fuck, particularly Erika who wasn't confirming that Kyle wasn't the person who got her mad about PantyGate. That's what annoys me about Miss Jayne, she never shares her opinion about anything because she doesn't want to cause drama or rock the boat and then after three months of keeping everything inside and not saying anything, she explodes on an unexpecting bystander who triggered her with a random sentence. As a result of Erika's silence, Kyle stood up and took her extensions and birkin bag out of the party because she claimed that everyone was kissing ass and not being honest, which is EXACTLY how I've felt this whole season long! Did it take her this long to figure it out?
I thought the episode was going to end with Kyle's storm out, but no that was only the first part. We also had to sit through LVP talking about adopting a dog that looks like her husband, Kyle & Teddi exercising and Rinna making excuses to her husband Harry Fucking Hamlin about not being engaged in the drama this season. Lisa is one of the only women that I can actually stand to watch on this show but I'm not buying that "life's too short" crap for a second. She was the scapegoat and drove the entire plot for the last THREE seasons and after years of being blamed for everything by LVP and her dusty muff, I think that she refused to be the only interesting one on the show. Hopefully "Old Rinna" comes back, but I'm not mad at her for taking a step back this season because it is a massive passive aggressive FUCK YOU to Lisa Vandercunt, and I appreciate that.
The final gathering for the ladies was at Kyle's new house, where she took the rich bitches on a tour and showed them the pilot of her new series American Woman. Really? THIS is the final party of the season? They aren't real friends at all and you can tell that they were all looking at their watches, counting down the minutes to when they could go home and not fuck their husbands. And when the fuck is that show airing? Last year Kyle said American Woman was going to air early 2017. Um. It's April 2018 and I still haven't seen it on the airwaves. Where is it Kyle?
Anyway, Kyle and Dorito made up over their dumb fight and the ladies got their tongues out to lick Miss Richards asshole this time, who started tearing up because her sisters aren't supporting the show she produces. Fuck all this petty drama about glassware and being late, we need to get her sisters on RHOBH! Kim Richards makes me uncomfortable and I want to rock back and forth in the corner of my room thinking about her wrinkly face and gross personality, but I would LOVE IT if her and Kathy Hilton joined the show just to fuck shit up. Kim can come back as a friend because we don't need her alcoholic ass holding a diamond, but Kathy would provide us with the perfect passive aggressive Beverly Hills shade that we all need after this terrible season. Maybe Paris could even make a cameo? Someone at Bravo give her a call because THATS the direction this show needs to go.
To conclude the season the ladies cheersed with champagne in their mix matched glasses and while Dorito was acting calm on the outside, you could tell that her sole was being destroyed at the thought of drinking out of a glass that didn't align with the right alcohol. I was happy to finally have this season behind me and get my Tuesday's back but then I remembered, we still have a boring reunion to get through. RIP.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.
