Southern Charm Recap: Breakup Bitches
We picked up where we left off, with the Pussy Power Pack marching into Shep’s party to wreak havoc on JD’s whiskey drinking cheating ways. Southern Charm needed the women to rise up against the men on their patriarchal show for a while I'm and so happy that the time has finally come for them to take names and kick some ass! The PPP are like their own mini Spice Girls and for argument sake: Kathryn is Ginger Spice, Naomie is Baby Spice, Danni is Sporty Spice and Chelsea is Posh Spice.
When the breakup bitches finally arrived at the party it was awkward as fuck. The men were too dumb to even know how to interact with them, the women were ready to lynch JD, and Cameran just wanted to stuff her face and get her pregnant ass the fuck out of there. Miss Eubanks has always stayed out of the drama and has seemed like she doesn't actually want to be there since season one, but now that she’s pregnant and it's more clear than ever that she only shows up to filming for the free food and her check, but who wouldn’t, being pregnant is the best excuse for you can have. No one can fuck with a pregnant chick.
Kathryn awkwardly met Thomas’ new flavour of the week as she was trying to give Shep his present. Of course Slutty Spice Ashley greeted Kathryn with a fake smile and her oddly perfect teeth to try and look like Snow White, but we can all clearly see that she is one fake bitch. Seeing Mr Ravenel fondle his barely legal boo in Shep's kitchen made me throw up on myself and move to another state. There is something that doesn't sit right with my about Miss Ashely and I'm not particularly sure what it is. Maybe it's her having sex in the bathroom or the fact that she met Thomas' children a week after she met him OR MAYBE it's that she moved across the country to get famous and dig for some premium Ravenel gold. As much as JD and his chuckle haunt me, the real enemy of the Pussy Power Pack should be Ashley.
Shep's birthday did not look like a fun event. Craig's annoying cooking skills combined with the cliquey mentality and seeing JD drink whiskey on my screen just showed that the party was a complete and utter fuckery. To add to the fuckery of Shep's birthday party, Kathryn found out that Thomas hired a nanny, even though they had planned to do it together, however instead of throwing a drink or storming off screaming obscenities, Kathryn and Thomas handled their issue like real adults until Malibu Barbie walked over and passive aggressively bragged about meeting Kathryn's kids. Miss Dennis and her blotchy spray tan should have grabbed her by her messy pony tail and thrown her skinny ass back to Santa Monica. I think it's all the Tristan Thompson tea from this week, but I have no patience for opportunist hoes trying to get a come off from sleazy serial cheaters.
Finally the Charleston gang sat down to potentially receive salmonella from Craig's janky pork ribs and Shep toasted to everyone being great friends right before the Pussy Power Pack went IN on JD and his cheating ways. Obviously Elizabeth was spilling all the tea to Naomie who was pissed at the bullshit persona that JD was trying to convey, so she opened her mouth and sounded the fuck off. JD triggers the fuck out of me, not as much as Ashley but he's definitely up there. He is literally just a chubby meme and I'm convinced that every time he chuckles an angel looses it's wings.
Naomie and her old nose dropped some of the tea that Elizabeth had given her and accused JD of fucking 20-year-olds. I 100% believe that but what young girl wants to climb up on that whiskey drinking mother fucker? That would be like a riding a dugong. He's like a white bloated Tristan Thompson. After the PPP read JD for filth he played the victim and left the party early. The only thing worse than a cunt is a cunt that doesn't own their cunty behaviour. JD should have clapped back not just scurried away like the mouse that he is. Can these girls verbally assault someone every episode because I am ALL the way here for that? Take down the dick this season! I love nothing more than a bunch of gangster bitches coming together for a common cause of taking down the douchebag men in their lives.
Following the attack of JD, Naomie started crying to Craig about the confrontation and claimed that it only happened because being born in France makes her tell the truth. What the fuck? Are french people known to be honest? It seemed like the ex-couple still have some sort of love for each other and they are definitely still held up on each other but I wouldn't know because the only thing I could pay attention to was Craig's bottom lip. The lawyer turned sewer's lip was inverted and looked like a reverse Kylie Jenner. Did he have an allergic reaction? Was he chewing tobacco? Did Shep punch him in the face? I don't know what happened to make his bottom lip so weird but it was fucked. I feel like I need a PSA just to know what happened to his lip. Does anyone have the answers? It's haunting me.
With that Shep's party concluded and the Pussy Power Pack comprised of: Kathryn, Danni, Naomie and Chelsea are already the MVPs of this season. How did Shep possibly escape this episode without any drama? Maybe the ladies are saving their ammunition for a later date because there are three things that they need to end: Ashley, JD and Craig's potential tobacco chewing!
Southern Charm airs Thursday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our exclusive tea and shady recaps on the Charleston gang.
