Vanderpump Rules Recap: Emotional Terrorist
I'm done with Jax Taylor. He is a disgusting person with zero empathy for anyone else that doesn't deserve any kind of love and affection. I get it. But you know what else I'm sick of? All these girls trying to convince Brittany of those blatant facts that we already know. For some reason she still loves his swollen thumb of a face and all the feminist empowerment that Lala continues to throw her way isn't going to change that.
As apart of Brittany's annoying continued devotion to the antichrist that is Jax Taylor, she decided to make this year's cast trip be for his birthday. If I were any of the girls on the show the last thing I would want to be doing is travel overseas to celebrate the person who embodies everything that is wrong with men in this world, but if it was paid by Bravo then I would have sprayed on my best Oompa Loompa tan and jumped onboard with the rest of those SURvers.
However before they could leave the country Jax had another session with his reiki therapist Kelsey who apparently makes him have "the best day" whenever he sees her. The walking cum stain even kicked Brittany out of their apartment so that he could clean and grab some baked goods for his therapist. There is no a doubt in the world that Jax is fucking the reiki girl, I promise you. Watching their scene made me feel like I was watching my dad have an affair with my school teacher, in the least enjoyable way possible. He also talked to Kelsey about his anxieties about travelling to Mexico and she replied with: why do you have to go? Umm, does homegirl not see the massive camera in her face and the sweaty guy behind it? He's on a reality show and the cast trip is the Super Bowl of the whole season AND they are going there for "Jax's birthday." There's no way in this equation that Jax wouldn't be able to go, so Kelsey needs to shut her legs and shut the fuck up.
Brittany and her Kentucky ass walked into the apartment after Jax's new boo left and it just showed all the reasons why these two need to break the fuck up. Jax allegedly has a "new dream job offer" in Tampa to be the social media director of a hockey team. What the actual fuck. Couldn't he just post to Twitter from his WeHo apartment? He immediately scolded Brittany for agreeing with him in the wrong tone and told her that he needs to make time for himself because he never does anything for himself. Ummm? He fucked Faith for himself. Everything that selfish piece of shit does is for himself, so he needs to pipe down and Brittany needs to take the dogs and get the fuck out of that apartment. He obviously doesn't like or value her at all and it's super clear that he is doing the most to try and get her to break up with him.
Scheana is also blissfully un-selfaware and continuing to talk endlessly about Rob. Watching Scheana's scenes in her scary, mildew infested, man cave of an apartment is what I imagine water torture to be like. Rob's latest and greatest idea is a website where you sell your ex's stuff. Has he ever heard of eBay? Not only is the idea dumb but hearing Scheana's nasal voice gush over it makes it sound even dumber. She's still counting down the days until her impending divorce and told Rob that the next time she's married it will be with him. In that moment you could see the life flash before his eyes. What normal, secure woman says that to someone you've only been dating for a few months when you're legally still married? Scheana needs a mirror because she has no idea what she looks like, and this is a lot worse than spinach in her teeth.
TomTom is in full construction and LVP is still taking full control of everything. Sandoval and Schwartz's only job is to create signature cocktails for the new restaurant, so I guess thats what $50,000 each gives them the ability to do. Seeing them give LVP the cocktail that they designed in the middle of her business meeting made them look like two little kids that were trying to show their mom what they made in art class. This storyline is so dumb and I'm ready for them to just open the place so we can be done hearing LVP and her old husband walking around talking about how brilliant they are at making restaurants. Enough already.
Finally all the SURvers arrived in Mexico with their freshly sprayed tans on. Stassi was forced to share her room with Kristen "The Emotional Terrorist" Doute, which is my new favourite phrase ever. Kristen seems like she would be mine kind of girl to travel with because she'd be drunk for 87% of time, but it's probably a whole different ball game when you actually have to be stuck in a confined space with the former stalker for an entire night. Jax continued to talk about his dream job to Brittany and she realised that he wants to take the job no matter what and that he isn't thinking about her feelings. Umm, where has she been for the last few months? He never has!? The only things that Jax cares about is Jax and the reiki therapist. Brittany is not on the list! Also when did being the social media director for a hockey team become Jax's "dream job." I thought that his dream job was to be a cunt because he does that quite well. After all, you are what you eat!
After everyone got ready they headed out to dinner where it seemed like Scheana's obsession with Rob and Jax's new job were the only topics discussed. Can't they come up with any new material? I would rather hear about Ariana's love/hate relationship with her snatch than these tired talking points. When Brittany told the girls that she might possibly be moving across the country for her pimple of a boyfriend's new "dream job" you can imagine the fury that they all threw at her. He has been such an asshole to her and hasn't given her ANY reason to even consider moving, so why should she. Brittany looks like an idiot, I'm sorry. I love her deep southern accent and immense breasts but this shit has to stop at some point because her love-ability factor is running out.
Stassi brought up the best point of the entire episode, which was that Jax probably isn't even telling the truth. He's a known liar, master manipulator and overall cunt, so how do we even know that this "dream job" exists. I need the Tampa hockey team to come through with these receipts. We didn't even see Jax on the phone with them, so we have no verification that he is even telling the truth, which he probably isn't. He also couldn't recall any of Brittany's hopes and dreams that she had shared with him over the last three years which makes it crystal clear about how he feels about her. BREAK THE FUCK UP.
As soon as Jax admitted his zero knowledge about Brittany the entire girl squad erupted in anger and stormed off the table. I'm all for girls standing together but why even waste your breath. Jax Taylor is about as dense as a gluten free cup cake and nothing is going to get through his brain to make him a changed man. Stassi called Kristen an emotional terrorist, but the biggest emotional terrorist in this group is Jax. His actions affect how everyone else feels and stresses them out, while he just sits there and literally continues to give zero fucks about what anyone else has to say, because he is just a shitty human being. That reason is why they all need to just let it go and wait for Brittany to walk in on Jax plowing the reiki therapist because that's probably the only way she will wake up to what's happening, but even then she'll probably still find a lame excuse.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!
