Shade of the Week: Scheana Shay

Scheana Shay is the most insufferable cast member on Vanderpump Rules and that is saying something when the cast is made up of self obsessed wannabe actors in LA. Her nasal voice, extreme face work and total lack of self awareness are just some of the reasons why Scheana is the absolute worst. Proceed with caution.

Let's start with the obvious: her face. It's not that Scheana isn't pretty, she is, but natural she is not. If you go back and watch from season one this SURver has an entirely new face and has also lost around 30 pounds. Never have truer words been spoken then when Tom Schwartz slammed the superficial SURver as a "Bootleg Kardashian" I'm not sure whoever told her that weighing as much as a small child and plumping her face full of shit is good, but Mrs Shay really needs to take it down a fucking notch because I miss her old face, wherever it went.

Can we talk about that apartment? Scheana Shay's home is what nightmares are made of. You would think that she could afford a nicer place that didn't look like a meth lab but I guess her Bravo checks aren't that big. The blown up pictures of her face and the man cave couches in her dingy apartment cause me to break out in hives everytime it pops up on the screen. It's easily the worst apartment of the entire SURver crew and that is saying something because Sandoval lives in a basement with no electricity and the Schwartz-Maloney's have a piece of spray paint art in their living room.

Her last name is STILL Shay, but that marriage was just a blimp on the radar, wasn't it Scheana? For the entirety of season six she has bragged about her new boyfriend Rob and tried her hardest to throw as much petty shade at Shay as she could. I'm not even 100% sure why the broke up. Yeah, he lied to her about doing pills. Is that it? Because a week before she busted him, she was still hyping him up and pretending like they were in love for the first time again, until she jumped onto the next dick and proclaimed that Rob was the best man ever. By the way she speaks you'd think that Rob invited sliced bread or was the leader of a small country but no, he can just hang a TV, which is just a normal task that anyone with a brain larger than a peanut should be able to figure out.

The problem with Scheana is that she always has to rewrite the narrative. With Shay he was her prince charming and they were going to live happily ever after in Azusa with 3.5 kids, a nice house and a couple of affairs under her belt. However when that relationship turned to shit she was stuck in denial and hell bent on not letting her fairytale crumble, so she placed the blame on Shay and moved onto the next guy who would play the prince in her story. When she says that they've "been in love for 12 years, well except for the six in the middle" it makes me want to murder a village of small children because YOU WERE MARRIED AND HEAD OVER HEELS FOR THOSE SIX YEARS. And let's not forget honey, you were selling stories about fucking Eddie Cibrian in those years as well. But you were really in love with Rob the whole time and Shay just held you captive against your will and Eddie forced you to have an affair with him. Right?

If Scheana would just own her fuck ups and be real then none of this would even be a problem, hell, she'd probably be one of my favourites this season. They say it's not about how you fall but how you get up and just like Dorito Kemsley on RHOBH, that is where the problem lies with Scheana as well. Half her problems would be null and void if she was humble and honest about how her fairytale didn't come true but Scheana feels the need to oversell Rob to us and overcompensates by bragging about every fibre of his being which makes it so clear that she is in denial about the relationship. It's not even entertaining or fun to watch, it's just sad.

Reality TV is all about being real, open and honest but it's also largely about exploiting the personalities of deeply delusional people as well. Until Scheana learns how to only say Rob's name 4 times a day and realises that she's fucking crazy then Bravo can keep her tapes because I am not interested in watching that Hot Mess Express!