Vanderpump Rules Recap: No Fat Chicks

At this point Vanderpump Rules has become a glorified soap opera, just with less dramatic stares at the camera. Maybe Lisa Rinna can get a job on the show because we all know that she's hustling to star on the next best thing.

The owner of the Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine died and the position got handed down to Lisa Vanderpump who was more than willing to throw a party for her new job and to help Stassi's latest storyline of being an event planner. Stassi organising events and having to hire the other SURvers to work those events is like when the teacher would leave the room in middle school and that one suck up would try to boss everyone around but the rest of the class would just make paper airplanes and fart on each other. None of the SURvers listened to Stassi until LVP rode into Sur on her high horse and forced them to pretend to pass drinks at her party.

Aside from defying Stassi's orders, Ariana and Scheana were also trying to convince Billie, the new trans SURver, that Miss Schroeder was a bigot and to be wary of doing her podcast. I don't think that any of those girls really think that Stassi is racist, I think that Scheana is jealous that Stassi still has remnants of her original face and was trying to throw stones at her. Also why do Scheana and Stassi hate each other again? Did the divorcee just lump her in with Katie when they reignited their beef? I'm confused but not confused enough to care.

Anyway Billie carried the ignorant bone back to Stassi who started crying at the thought that her being racist would become a storyline on the show. I don't think that Stassi is racist, bigoted or ignorant, I just think she was raised in a conservative way and doesn't always think about what she says and what it will mean when other people hear it. I mean she was talking about the Oscars not trying to organise a KKK rally so they need to chill out for 3.5 seconds.

Tom Schwartz's triplets brothers came to LA and Sandoval's goal was to make them all the way over. Sandoval should be a stylist on the new Queer Eye for the Straight Guy reboot, you know he would LOVE it! The triplets are like 6 year olds trapped in 45 year old looking bodies. Everyone treats them with kids gloves and there was kind of an unspoken air about them which made me think that they weren't all the way there mentally, it isn't a bad thing at all but I mean even James was super nice to them. Sandoval, with the help of Priv (who must be funding Bravo at this point because all these reality shows are FULL of Priv advertisements) dressed the triplets up to look like they were his three middle aged Ken dolls and they headed out on the town.

There was also a fire at Sur but do we care? I mean how long can these people pretend to be working there? No one wants to see a waitress pushing 40 and serving you goat cheese balls. That's just not cute. Do we even need to include Sur in the show at this point?

LVP's Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine party finally rolled around with Stassi trying to organise it. Ariana had an attitude, Pandora was being annoying as usual and Jax turned up late only to be yelled at by an aggravated Lisa Vanderpump who was pissed that he didn't have the respect to come to work on time. Has she met Jax? He has no respect. He ran back to the triplets at Sur and said "I'm serving drinks to rich people not doing brain surgery." Of course you're not doing brain surgery your not a doctor. It's your job to serve drinks to old rich people, so do it!

The only other eventful thing to happen at the party, aside from an annoying Dorito cameo, was LVP's gay asian party planner Kevin Lee fat shaming Katie. First of all, why wasn't Kevin Lee planning this party? Because I'm sure that he would have made sure to have an adequate amount of wait staff serving drinks. He called Katie fat and said her body had grown out of control. Ugh, that's so disgusting to say. Why does HE think he has the right to tell Katie how she should look? Not everybody wants to get botox and a facelift (facts not shade.) Katie went over and cried about Kevin's comments to LVP who reminded Katie that she fell through a skylight and producers provided us with a flashback video from 2009 of Katie with short hair, glasses and metal all throughout her face. She looked like a before photo from How Do I Look but who didn't in 2009? In summary, fuck Kevin Lee! #TeamKatieMaloneySchwartz

After the magazine party concluded the gang headed back to SUR for James' See You Next Party but I thought that Sur was shut for the night because of a fire? Am I missing something here? Everyone was getting along until Kristen (my lord and saviour) started talking shit about Jax, who then clapped back at Kristen causing Brittany to yell at him. Kristen is Brittany's FRIEND, it's her job to tell her that she can do better, that's what ALL the girls are doing. Why isn't Jax yelling at all the girls not just Kristen. I personally believe that Jax still has some weird fucked up obsession with Kristen from the time they slept together all those years ago.

Jax also went to his therapist, who he is definitely fucking, and opened up with her about his past to try and fix his present. He told her to call him Jason which seems like such a pickup line. As soon as the cameras went down I'm sure that he fucked her doggy style on her massage board. I think that Jax likes the therapist because she gives him attention and talks about him, which is all he really wants. It was fascinating to see where it went wrong with Jax Taylor but maybe it was when he became Jax Taylor. Perhaps if he had stayed Jason Cauchi then his life wouldn't have been so fucked up, but then we wouldn't have been gifted with the guilty pleasure that is Vanderpump Rules.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!