RHOBH Recap: Petty Woman
Kyle and Erika went shopping at the store that Julia Roberts got kicked out of in Pretty Woman but these two rich bitches managed to keep their black amex card carrying asses there without being shown the door. Erika spilled the tea that she used to be like the hooker in Pretty Woman before she met her husband who was in the Erin Brockovich movie, so I guess both their lives have been made into a Julia Roberts film. Miss Jayne told Kyle about her joy ride with Dorito last week and even went as far to say she was fun. Fun?! Dorito is many things, including annoying, selfish, stupid and judgmental but she definitely is not fun.
Lisa Rinna is still HUSTLING BABY. She booked a role on The Middle, negotiated her return to Days of Our Lives and is still doing her QVC line. Rinna gave us the same speech about hustling in Hollywood for the last 30 years and it never gets old. I could listen to Lisa and her lips talk about how to make in Hollywood all day long. I'd say that she needs a spinoff but she is one of the only people on this show I like right now, so let's keep her here for the time been.
LVP and Teddi rode horses together to show us that they are the "normal and down to earth" ones on the show, even though they get botox every week and live in multi million dollar mansions. Teddi is officially the grown up version of Ariana from Vanderpump Rules. She loves horses, she's no bullshit and she's dating a guy with dark hair and overly manicured eyebrows. LVP brought up Teddi's fat days and Bravo showed us the same fat photo. Does she only have one picture of her old face?
The newbie also shared that she wants to take the girls down to her beach house in Orange County but she's scared that they'll be too judgmental because of Dorito's wine glass fetish but reframed from telling Lisa that Dorito was the one who made her feel judged. Teddi can't just half bitch about someone, she should either name names or keep her mouth shut.
Dorito was busy planner her sugar daddy PK's (Phat Kunt) 50th birthday party. I know what you're thinking, he's only 50? Her plans were to have the party on a yacht, have a helicopter fly onto the boat and then have her serenade him with Boy George. We get it, you're rich. LVP came along with Dorito to listen to her party plans and carried Teddi's wine glass bone back to Dorito who admitted she was the one with the wine glass obsession. LVP obviously knew that and had an orgasm at the thought of the fight she'd create with her meddling. Lisa should just be upgraded to a producer at this point because she is good at stirring shit up.
Kyle and Teddi had dinner with their husbands who both spoke Spanish and that got their wife's vagina's wet. Those men definitely got laid that night! Kyle can speak Spanish which is surprising and weird. How did this only just come up?
Dorito's new uniform is to dress like an Erika Jayne/Kylie Jenner/ THOT wannabe and it's really sad. It's like watching a little baby deer trying to run across the road and being plowed down by ongoing traffic. Trying but failing. Erika brought her lead gay along to help Dorito choreograph her performance for PK's birthday and Bravo even dropped us a flashback of Mikey's (Erika's lead gay) performance past with Gretchen Rossi when she was rehearsing for The Pussycat Dolls. Mikey should just start his own school where he specialises in teaching Housewives to dance and lip sync. Melissa Gorga and Kim Zolciak can go there too!
Finally this boring episode got even worse when it was time for PK's birthday. Rinna's anxiety was already through the roof after she reminded us of this groups past with boats, see: Amsterdam, Dubai and Hong Kong. Dorito and PK landed on the boat with their helicopter and greeted their guests while LVP stuffed her face with caviar in the back. Dorito mumbled her way through her serenade for PK and walked along pretending to be a bootleg Erika Jayne, which kind of describes her whole storyline this season. Erika should be careful because Dorito gives me serious Single While Female vibes.
After her performance Dorito and Teddi talked about their wine glass beef that LVP's meddling created. I have to idea what they are even fighting about at the point. Wine glasses? They went from fighting about time management to glassware. Ugh! Teddi kept saying she was over it and Dorito said she was making shit up and called her psycho. This fight is too dumb to even follow and I feel like I'm loosing brain cells trying to dissect it. I've said it before and I'll say it in every recap until the day comes: BRING BRANDI GLANVILLE BACK!
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.
