Vanderpump Rules Recap: Cheaters

Vanderpump Rules is my drug and I am so fucking addicted. It is literally my favourite show on television right now and it is definitely out doing the entire Real Housewives franchise, from which it came from.

The girls all woke up at Brittany's after they came together to block Jax from potentially entering his apartment. The all ate Taco Bell which is ironic considering Jax was wearing that iconic Taco Bell sweatshirt when he told Brittany about his infidelity. Everything comes full circle. While they ate their delicious Mexican food, Scheana talked about her upcoming Vegas trip with Lala. Katie couldn't pass up the opportunity to talk about her former enemy's married sugar daddy, but Scheana claimed that he hasn't been married for two years. Which is a lie because his divorce was only finalised last week. True tea.

Jax came into his apartment while the Witches of WeHo were sitting recovering from their "Fuck Jax" party and he was mad at them for being in his "sanuarty" and said that Brittany wasn't as devastated about the cheating as she claimed to be. Does he want America to hate him? Because he's doing a really good job at it. All the girls started to pipe up about Jax's dumb comments and Brittany hit Jax until he left the apartment. The serial cheater and overall cunt, ended up going to his bedroom and tried to tell Brittany that the other girls were poisoning her thoughts with I Hate Jax propaganda. Umm Jax, maybe YOU did that when you stuck it in Faith's hello kitty.

While Katie, Scheana and Stassi all had front row seats to the Jerry Springer show, the Tom's talked to LVP about their possible business deal. LVP said that they haven't brought anything to the table but isn't the restaurant is named after them? Lisa wanted the boys to pay $120,000 for a 10% share but Sandoval said that was too much money for them, which LVP didn't seem to understand because that is like $20 for her. Schwartz suggested that they pay $50,000 for a 5% share. After Ken and Lisa whispered about it, they settled on that price and TomTom was officially a go. On the ride home the boys danced to Sandoval's terrible song in the car and Ariana still refused to fuck her boyfriend. Just your typical VPR day.

Scheana, Ariana and Lala were all hanging out in her new closet while she packed for her Vegas trip. Scheana Shay's apartment is my version of hell. It's dark and dingy with cheap princess furniture and life size pictures of her on the wall which scare me to my core. It's like Scheana wants the Witches of WeHo to make fun of her. Just saying. Scheana always becomes friends with the outcast of the group, so naturally her and Lala are best friends all of a sudden. She told her about Katie's latest comments on her sugar daddy and Lala was ready to pop someone. I'm so sick of her faux ghetto vibes, your from Utah not New York. Calm down.

As retaliation for Katie dissing her man, Lala brought up that Schwartz made out with her friend after his wedding to Katie. Scheana was "shocked" but there is NO WAY that she didn't know that tea before. This scene was so set up. Lala said that she wasn't going to expose this tea about Schwartz but there was a flashback for a scene where the girl told Lala about their hookup. This girl really needs to stop lying. Lala isn't my favourite SURver, but I died when she said YOUR. GUY. MADE OUT. WITH. MY. FRIEND. I need to make that me ringtone or something.

Stassi planned Guillermo's birthday party and realised that she actually had to do some work for once. After she ran around town and set up the party, the guests started arriving and the drinks started flowing. Why is Kristen only appearing now? I feel like the producers are trying to phase her out of the show and that is unacceptable. Crazy Kristen is the reason why I'm watching this messy show.

At the party, Ariana told Schwartz in the alley behind Sur about his latest cheating allegations. He said that he didn't remember that night because he was shit faced and had a dumb grin on his face the whole time. He went back inside and told Katie the news in front of a bunch of people and not in the infamous, secluded alley way that Ariana had hoped. Katie exploded and went into the alley about to cry with her fellow WeHo witches. Schwartz came out almost laughing and literally said "talk to me dude." How did she marry this man baby. I think the make out probably did happen, whether he remembers it or not.

LVP found out the news and managed to make it about her because SHE officiated their wedding. Cry me a fucking river. How does this women always manage to bring it back to her? She's like an older version of Scheana. I just don't understand how it is that hard to not make out with someone that isn't your wife? Well, Lala's plan certainly worked. Well played Kunt, I mean Kent.

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!